OUR HEARTBEAT [BEOMJUN] ✅

thirty-six

At this point, there was really only one way to get my message across to Yeonjun. It would be embarrassing, it would involve letting more people into my personal life than I felt comfortable with, and it would make me more vulnerable than I’d ever been. But it was important. This wasn’t a very good pep talk, I realized as I repeated the thoughts once again as I sat getting ready to record the podcast.

Arin was back on the production crew. This time, she and Soobin sat at the phones.
“Good afternoon, Oak Court!” Sieun chirped into the microphone. “You’re listening to Not My Problem, with Sieun and Beom.”

“Today it needs to be Gyu,” I said.

“What?” Sieun asked, looking startled.

“I need to be Gyu today because I have something to say, as Gyu.”

Sieun’s eyebrows rose nearly to her hairline. “Okay, then, Gyu. Take it away.”

“I have a problem.”

“And it’s not that you hate people?”

I laughed a little. “No. Quite the opposite in this case actually.”

“You love someone?”

I thought about that for a moment. Was it love? It was on its way there, I knew that. “Maybe,” I said, my heart pounding. “I’m not sure he feels the same way. In fact, I’m pretty sure he is or was in love with my best friend.”

“Oh,” Sieun said. “You’re actually going to share.”

“Yes. See, I’m hoping he’ll give me a chance. I screwed up before I ever got to tell him how I felt. I kept a secret from him, and now he’s not speaking to me. And I miss him.”

“What do you miss about him?” Sieun asked.

Of course she would make me put everything out there. Make myself even more vulnerable. Drop some fronts I had up. But she was right, I needed to.

“I miss his attentive gaze,” I started, “and his insightful observations and his humor and our conversations and I miss his smile.” I caught my breath. “He hasn’t smiled at me in a while. That sounds so cheesy, I know it does. I’m not used to being this open.” I bit my lip. “I’m used to hiding behind sarcasm and indifference.”

“How does it feel to let it out?”

“Not good.”

Sieun laughed, obviously surprised by that answer. “I thought you’d say freeing.”

“No, it’s terrifying. But I have to do it. I have to do it because if there is even a tiny chance that he returns any of these feelings, then it is worth it.”

“Are you going to be vague and keep the person anonymous or are you going to share with the listeners the name of your mystery love?” Sieun asked.

I hadn’t prepared myself for that question. Was I going to be vague? What would be better? I didn’t want to embarrass Yeonjun or make him even angrier with me. But hadn’t this whole thing started because we were keeping secrets?

A buzz sounded in my earphones, followed by Arin’s voice. “We have a caller.”

Sieun held up her hand. “Can we wait a few minutes on that? Gyu is still sharing.”

“I think you’ll want to take this one … Gyu.” Arin met my eyes through the glass. She looked equal parts nervous and apprehensive.

“Let’s take the call,” I said, not sure what Arin was trying to convey with that look. It almost seemed like a bad thing. Was she trying to save Yeonjun from my saying his name on the podcast? Was she trying to save me from further humiliation? Was she trying to help herself? Make it so she could tell him how she felt about him before I could?