The Misfortunes of Lolita

25 | when lolita said goodbye

THIS IS AN UNEDITED AND SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT VERSION OF THE MISFORTUNES OF LOLITA. I AM PUBLISHING IT IN FALL 2021—PLEASE FOLLOW ME ON IG @/ls.akhter and GOODREADS (L AKHTER) TO STAY UPDATED. I am so excited to share TMoL with you again.

"What do you see?" Frank asked.

"I see," Lolita paused, shutting her eyes for a split second, her lips a deep pink from her teeth against it. "I see the street."

Frank glanced down to their fingers, entwined. "Describe it to me."

She tugged the bottom of her dress down, covering down to her knee. Her fingers were still shaking, not as much as before. Her voice was calmer when she spoke again. "Charcoal dragging through white paper."

He laughed, unable to help himself, and she cracked a smile. "Really?"

They'd almost reached the school, where the graduation ceremony was being held. Lolita had insisted that they walked from home, and Frank guessed it was because she wanted to delay seeing that place for as long as she could.

Lolita had grown more and more anxious as they neared the school. Her feet had gotten slower and her hands had begun to sweat and her jaw had been tight, and she looked like she was trying to hold her breath so it wouldn't sound so loud.

"Breathe," he'd said, and he remembered what felt like months ago, her saying the same to him-breathe, Frank. You're angry.

She'd put her fingers to her lips, bunched up so they wouldn't shake. He'd stopped on the pavement. Her eyes were closed, her forehead creased. "It'll be okay," she'd muttered. "It's graduation day. It'll be okay. You're here."

Frank's eyes had burned, it was hard-it was hard to see her in pain. It was hard to see her desperately trying to grasp onto the lighter edges of reality.

He breathed out, brushing his thumb across the hand he was holding. "What do you see?"

Lolita had shaken her head. "Frank."

"What do you see?" he asked. "Describe it to me."

And so she had, hesitantly, begun to answer each time he asked, just as she had a thousand times before in the nights and days they spent in each other's arms, when her anxiety had crawled up her throat and cut through her breathing.

I see trees. I see your suit. I see houses. I see flowers.

Now, she seemed calmer as they stood at the doors of Dale High. They'd put up a little welcome, graduates! sign at the front doors, and the last place Frank wanted to be was here.

"What do you see?" he asked, and she held onto his hand tight.

"I see the sky," she said.

Frank half smiled, his insides still felt twisted up when she looked at him. "The sky?"

Lolita took his hand in both of hers, holding it between them, close to her heart. "I still think you're my sky, Frank."

He wanted to say it then-he wanted to shout it. Don't leave me alone here, Lolita. I don't think I can breathe without you.

He didn't, though. He didn't. He rested his forehead against hers, and he was the one that was weak-he didn't even think he knew how to breathe without knowing she was near anymore. He was hooked on her like she was a drug. The sun felt colder without her. His lungs were bruised from sighing out prayers to Gods he didn't even know he believed in.

Frank and Lolita met and crashed and left each other in ruins. That was their story. Wasn't that the saddest thing?

Inside, they called her name too soon, and when she walked down the auditorium to get her diploma, people clapped. Akima sat beside Frank, tears brimming from her eyes, falling down her face, and Frank felt weirdly happy, in that moment. In the loudness of Talia's and their parents' and his and Akima's and the rest of their graduating class's claps, he imagined a world where Lolita hadn't been held at gunpoint. He imagined a world where their words weren't covered in all the dirt from that night's rain. He imagined a world where they didn't have to carry mountains on their shoulders.