"No, I guess not. But I mean I should be. Everyone's here, everyone suprised El and I but I'm still not ok." I don't want to be like this anymore. I sit down in the bathtub, my legs hanging over the edge.
Max takes a seat next to me. "That's ok. Sometimes Will, everyone, everything you love could be right in front of you and it can still be hard." Max is right. I don't know why I feel so compelled to trust Max, I just do.
"I'm so tired of being me, of being bullied, of being-" I could probably keep going but Max cuts in, it's like she predicted my next word perfectly.
"Different."
"Yeah, different." I sigh. Max smiles in a sad awkward way. She understands too. Finally someone who understands me.
Max sighs. "I haven't always fit in either, well before you guys, which by the way made me also not fit in. But part of that is me avoiding everyone I guess. Before I moved to Hawkins I didn't fit in, when I moved to Hawkins I didn't fit in, I'm just not like others." Max's voice is so calming, it's like having another sister. One who isn't dating the guy I secretly like.
My eyes are burning from crying but that doesn't stop the tears from falling from my face. Max grabs my hand, her hands are freezing but that's ok. "What else is on your mind?" Max asks, she can tell there's something else. I trust her, she wouldn't tell right? I don't know. Maybe she'd react bad. I can't tell her. I can't tell anyone. Not even Jonathan.
"I don't know." I mutter but it's a lie because I do know.
"Alright." Max mutters but she doesn't leave. She sits there with me and let's the rest of my tears soak into my face. Not a word comes from her mouth, nor does a word come from mine. It's a nice quiet. Eventually I feel ok enough to get up out of the bathtub, Max follows but she separates to go talk to Mom and I go back to my room. El and Mike are asleep with their heads pressed together next to my bed, Dustin and Lucas are still awake but their eyes are resting as they lean against the wall.
I take a heavy breath. I feel myself wanting to shatter again. But I can't, I already did the whole ugly crying thing for today. I maneuver my way onto my bed and plop down. "Will?" I hear Mike's voice, I didn't notice him waking up. "Have you been crying?" God. Of course he noticed. He can't notice anything important but good observation.
I just smile and lie. "Maybe a bit. I'm just so excited to see you guys." I'm so tired of having to lie.
"Ah alright." Mike says before a rather awkward silence fills the air. I don't like it, it doesn't make sense. We used to be so close. If what Mom says is true, that he wouldn't leave my side at the hospital then why is he so different now. Now he can barely say anything to me.
I stare at him for a moment and something in me shatters. We're not bestfriends anymore. He's Els boyfriend now, not mine. I'm being unfair. I grab the clothes I have set for the roller rink so that I can go change elsewhere. "We should get going soon, wake everyone up please." I mutter as I exit the room and head to the bathroom again. I slowly change into the clothes I have picked out but they don't fit right. Just like the ones from this morning. It makes me want to scream.
I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to have my full blown breakdown because I'm just so tired that I can't hold it in anymore but I can't. Everyone's here and excited to see El and I but of course I feel like shit. I'm so selfish. I can't even make myself be happy when I got what I've wanted for forever, I wanted my friends back. But their not back. Not the ones who used to play DnD with me. Not the ones who never talked about girls. Not the ones I remember. But I need to grow up. I just want to play DnD with them again. I feel tears start to sting my eyes, I almost let it happen. I almost let myself cry but stop when I hear everyone else's voices. I can hear them in the living room. They're all chatting and happy. I try to wipe my eyes and then head out to where they are, they're all changed and ready to go. Jonathan and Nancy too.
Jonathan gives me a suspicious look so I shoot him a smile an "I'm ok but secretly not telling you that I'm shattering quietly" smile. It's the only smile that I can manage to muster right now. Jonathan gives up and goes back to the conversation.
"Will, you ok?" Lucas pops up behind me. He must've been using the restroom. "You've been pretty out of it today." Lucas caught on slightly I guess.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Just in shock, I would've never guessed you guys were coming to suprise us." I smile, that statement is true enough. I am suprised and shocked to see them. I may be upset but that doesn't mean I'm not beyond excited to Dustin and Lucas.
Lucas smiles at me and pats me on the shoulder. "I'm happy to see you too." Lucas says and I smile back. A genuine smile because I missed him.
"Will!" El looks around and realizes that I'm standing barely ten feet from her. "Oh there you are, are you ready to go?" Els smile is so bright right now. It feels like staring directly into the sun. I beyond happy that she's happy. She deserves to be happy.
"Yeah, yes. I'm ready. Let's go." My genuine smile fades but I can put on good show for my friends can't I?
