Of Whispers and Daggers ✓ [TLRQ #2]

Chapter 69 - Leavi

We spend the days in his room, quietly poring over magic books. Aster dictates notes alternatingly to me and Ollem. I don't understand the theory well to begin with, but as evenings approach and weariness overtakes him, the notes become more and more amorphous. Every night, Ollem or I have to suggest we put up for the day. He used to argue with us. He doesn't anymore.

In my dreams, silver lights chase me, but in the daylight, Vihnzeirre refuses to appear except by the fæn command. In that form, she's never as strong and never gives me what I really want. Sure, I can teleport a book across the room before crashing in bed—but I can't heal Aster, I can't talk to Sean, I can't even see the Retrans, who left the day after the engagement. I wonder if Shava hates me now, if she thinks I'm dishonoring Riszev's memory. They didn't come to see me, though I was sure Shava would demand Riszev's things back. They just left, giving no more thought to the servant who'd spurned them.

We worry for a few days if their army will still come. But true to their word, the castle receives a letter from the northerly Laq'duví that the Retrans arrived, the Kadranian army fleeing toward Riletta's lands at the sight of them. Apparently the Retrans are in pursuit, and the army from southern Agrí is finally marching north to help.

Riszev's people lost their prize and still kept their oath. I wonder if the Morineause would be as honorable in the same situation.

The hole in my chest widens as I stare up at the canopy of my new bed. It's wide, soft, and warm, but for some reason, I have a harder time sleeping here than I ever did in the infirmary. I still haven't unpacked. Servants brought over what little I had, but I just had them set it on the bed, and when they left, I stuck everything underneath again. Nothing felt settled enough to settle in.

Tonight, though, in this place I've refused to make my own, I wonder what I'm waiting on. The war to be over? We broke the siege. Aster's... fate to be known? I'll belong here less, not more, if something happens to him. I am here now. Riszev might not be, and Aster might not be soon, but I am. My eyes blur.

Tossing back the comforter, I rise and drag everything out from under the bed. All my things lie scattered on the floor, and one by one, I pick them up and find them homes. My lab coat I hang in the wardrobe, right alongside my new dresses. My flicker and vials, magnicrystals and hematester all go on the mantle, relics to display of another life. My fingers brush the cover of the dictionary Jacin gave me, and my stomach twists sharply. Part of me wants to hide it away, but instead, I give it the first place on my new bookshelf. Riszev's coat hangs on the rack by the door, her dagger and my hairbrush on the bedside table. The wyrds, I tuck inside my storybook and slip under my pillow before climbing back into bed.

Warmth spreads through my chest. Nothing is settled, but nothing ever is. For now, I have a place. For now, I am safe. For now, I am at home.

Sleep finds me easily. Just like every morning, though, when I wake up, I wonder if Aster has. He keeps telling me I ought to be spending time with the courtiers, cementing my place in the castle, but I decline what few requests I get.