The Timeless Library

16. Outer Way FM

The following transcript is an English translation of a transmission in URL (Universal Regulation Language).

"Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between; space-folk from planets near and far; welcome back to your favorite interstellar radio station, Outer Way FM! I am your host, Blaretox, and today sharing the cockpit with me is famed Humanologist John Smith, hailing from planet Zarvis in sector 66-K41. I must say, John, you have one peculiar name!"

"It is rather unusual to see a Zarvisian with a name like mine, huh? I actually decided to take on this name many cycles ago, in hopes of gaining a better understanding of planet Earth's infamous Humans."

"Infamous indeed. But from the sound of it, your efforts have been paying off: you've got a new database coming out next cycle, isn't that right?"

"That's right. Book of Humans, it's called. 'Book' refers to the stacks of sliced plant material they stare at for hours. In my database, I go into extensive detail about their use of 'words' and 'reading' in place of database stimulus processing."

"How intriguing! That habit stumped experts for many cycles until you began with your observations, correct?"

"Yes. Long-term observation of planet Earth is no simple task, but it has provided a lot of new insight into Humans."

"Aren't you worried that Humans will find out about your surveillance, thus causing you to break Regulation 31?"

"Not at all. Their culture and technology, while full of potential, are still far too primitive. Until they learn to see themselves as a species and start to cooperate accordingly, I am confident that I can continue to observe them without issue."

"So your plan is to study them for as long as possible?"

"Oh, certainly. This is my life's work. And there is no shortage of things to find out when it comes to these fascinating creatures, let me tell you. I plan on releasing databases on Humans until the moment I die."

"Amazing! I think we're all excited to see what Humans do next. Have you come across any challenges while documenting their deeds?"

"Their unpredictability can be a struggle; it never ceases to fascinate me. Just when you think they've learned their lesson and are doing something logical for once, bam! They do something you'd never even consider calculating for. It can really 'throw a wrench in my plans,' as they would say."

"If I may ask, what has been their latest unbelievable blunder?"

"Things are pretty out of control lately, even for their standards. They've got their global warming issue they're ignoring-I have yet to discover why. And don't get me started on their so-called 'Politics'... but, for me, the latest unbelievable statistic I have come across is the rise of habits they call 'smoking' and 'drinking' amidst a health crisis. Picture a deadly viral disease, spreading amongst the people. At the very moment any sane space-dweller would be doing their utmost to protect their bodies, the Humans instead feel more inclined than usual to rely on their perilous coping mechanisms. Did you know that they ingest poisons purely for recreation and stress relief?"

"I had no idea! These Humans really are something, aren't they?"

"Ever the source of entertainment. It's no surprise so many space-folk are eager to learn more about them. But unless you know what you're doing, it is best to steer clear from these creatures and enjoy their antics only from afar."

"That reminds me, I'm sure our listeners would love to hear your expert take on this hot topic: do you have any hope that Humans will pass the Space Regulation tests one day and join the rest of us in interstellar society?"

"Perhaps one day, but certainly not anytime soon. They have a way of spreading their ruin to anything they come in touch with. Humans must be kept at a respectable distance, at least for the time being."

"And that's coming from someone who is dedicating his life to understanding them! Truly fascinating. I suppose the best thing we can do is keep our distance and count on you to continue studying them for us. Alas, that is all the time we have today. It has been a pleasure, John. Truly eye-opening!"

"The pleasure was all mine, Blaretox. And as the Humans say, 'please like and subscribe!'"

"That's right! If you listeners out there are left wanting more, don't forget to buy John Smith's upcoming database, Book of Humans! Thank you for listening, and tune in next rotation for an interview with The Mighty Binegong of Kenundros himself!"