𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐈𝐬 𝐀 𝐋𝐨𝐰. ⁽⁽⁽ᵐᵃᵗᵗʸ ʰᵉᵃˡʸ⁾⁾⁾

Of Artistic Merit.

Track List:

There Is Something On Your Mind, Big Jay McNeely

Dressed in Black, Sara Savery, Blue Foundation

Passive Aggressive, Placebo

Without You I'm Nothing, Placebo

It's Been A Little Heavy Lately, Joesef

Have a Little Faith in Me, John Hiatt

~

If anybody notices a change in Ray's demeanour when she returns from America, they don't comment on it. Ray feels like there should be something visibly altered, some unspoken way to communicate it. But still the emails come in, a steady stream of questions, demands, conferences and Zoom calls, and the invitations to dinner with Blaise (Padella, Borough, early afternoon midweek) and brunch with Lydia (Christopher's, Covent Garden, Sunday morning), and the endless carousel of group chat antics. She's scrolling through the meaningless back-and-forth with an abandoned cup of tea by her bedside, luxuriating in the empty day stretched before her. Greebo lies beside her, body curled into a Fibonacci-esque shape, his paws flexing as he dreams his strange, unknowable cat dreams. She trails a finger over the ridges of his spine, watching him in his sleep.

"You don't have rolls, do you?" She mumbles to him, still amused by the brief moment with Matty. He huffs a sigh, burrowing towards her touch and purring as loudly as his small body allows. Days later, the smell of Matty's cologne thoroughly dissipated in the air, and still she can picture his face as the small cat wandered between them and investigated the stranger in his territory. At least Greebo considered Matty entirely non-threatening - Ray is still undecided. It's not that Matty is intimidating, as such, and if there's flickers of that then it's a thrilling kind of fear, the kind that made her want him that first time, and every time since then if she's being honest. But it's the horrible way he looks at her that sends her skittering away; he sees too much.

It's this thought, this anxiety about what he sees, that has her tapping out a message to his (unsaved) number: Are you free for a coffee later today? I'd like to clear the air and thank you again for the other day. The reply comes back as she's sending a link from Bon Appetit to Lydia.

Yeah, I can be - hope everything's okay??

It was the least i could do

Ray watches the screen, the three dots wavering for at least twenty seconds before stopping again. She waits, but no further messages come through.

I'm heading north later today to see my parents. I can go somewhere near you?

I'm not home today - around Islington this afternoon, is that too much of a detour? I can go wherever though don't worry

I'm not worried - Ray deletes it almost as soon as she types. Not a good way to start an apologetic explanatory coffee, especially if he's taking time out of his day to see her. Ordinarily, she'd tell him (or anyone) that it's fine, they can rearrange. But her mind turns over like a motor, whirring with anxiety still.

Islington is a bit out, she replies, pausing to weigh out her options. My parents are near Harlesden. I was actually going to pick something up near Camden. Nostalgia trip? She hopes that it conveys the appropriate lightness, one that she wishes she could summon for real.