185 Letters

The First Paper Puzzle Piece

Mike hugged his mom stunned. They were gone and he couldn't comprehend it. Could he ever get used to a life without Will? That's all he had known. And when he didn't have Will he had El, so what was he supposed to do with both of them gone to California?

Not to mention the confusion that his goodbyes had flung onto him. He let go of his mom and walked up to his room, stiff and blank. His mom might have said something but all he could hear were two things bouncing around in his head.

I love you too

Not possible

I love you too

Not possible

He felt so different about them. It was undeniably night and day, but not in the way he would have expected. How come it felt like a relief that DnD was just something Will did with Mike? How come he felt guilt the moment El said I love you too? Too?

Too

Too

Too

Too much damn emotions right now. Mike wished he had a clone of himself so there'd be two of him to figure all this out. One to figure out his emotions with El, and one to figure out his emotions with Will.

Will, what the Hell was he supposed to do about him? His stomach churned so he turned on the radio hoping for a distraction. Of course Should I Stay or Should I Go comes on right when he's trying not to think about missing Will. He grumbles but doesn't turn off the radio as it fuels his unlabeled feelings of loss. No, instead he drags himself out of bed, grabs a pen, paper and the book The Two Towers to write on and than he plops on his bed, heavy with feelings, unable to think.

Maybe this will help...

~~

Dear Will,

You left today. And I really really miss you. Honestly, probably more than miss you, though I don't exactly know what it is. I wish I could talk with you about it. I wish we didn't leave off on such a bad note. I wish I got to play DnD with you (like actually play) one last time. I wish I could still be hugging you right now. At least I have this teddy bear though. Teddy bears have always reminded me of you Will, did you know that? I remember watching Wizard of Oz with you when we were little and you were so excited for the bears to come, but they never did so for your birthday the next year, I begged my parents to get an expensive stuffed teddy bear for you as a gift. So ever since Teddy bears have always made me think of you. Did you know I have that Golden Teddy Bear from Zales since we (accidentally) blew up the mall? See that's what confuses me. That's what I wish I could talk with you about but know I never will. No matter how hard I tried to ignore you when I was with El, no matter how hard I still try, I can't. A piece of you is always there. The drawing you made on El's wall I'd always see when I visited. The golden teddy bear I almost got El as an I'm sorry gift (even though the only reason it caught my eye was because it reminded me of you). You're words "not possible" repeating in my head when El kissed me -before you guys left- as she told me she loved me. I know that might be a lot, and I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. And it's not like you're gonna read this anyways. I'd never have the guts to send this. I'd never have the guts to tell you what I want to tell you because I don't even have the brains to figure out what I want to tell you. Why are emotions so confusing? When I'm with you everything feels so light and simple. But now it's heavy and I don't have the words. I miss you Will.

Miss,
Mike

~~

Yeah. Mike definitely wasn't gonna send this letter. But he did feel the need to keep it somehow. It felt like the first puzzle piece to figuring out whatever is wrong with him. All he had to do now was get more puzzle pieces.

Man, this would be so much easier if Will was here.

He went to his closet and grabbed an old blue 1.75 inch math binder. It's not like he was gonna be needing 6th grade math anytime soon, so he ripped out the math sheets and gently put in the letter.

There. And I'll just keep writing them... every day until I figure this all out...

And so every day since than he decided to write a letter to Will. Even if it was short. Even if it would go as unread as Mike's own emotions.