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Review #27 | Vive La Parys

Title: Vive La Parys

Author: asteroid103

Summary: 3.5/5

You have some good things happening in this summary! I like how you've introduced your two protagonists separately, and really contrasted their upbringings. Then, you show how their lives intertwine, and you have a good use of rhetorical question.

I think you should just polish it, overall. You are missing a period in your last sentence, you've got a run-on sentence or two, and I feel like there is simply not enough of an explanation about the 'gang leader' for it to seem scary for the reader. It felt random when it was brought up, so some explanation before it is used as stakes could be useful to make it seem impactful in your blurb.

Grammar: 2/5

Grammar can be tough! I commend you – your early chapters barely had any typos or errors, aside from a few rule issues. However, as your chapters progressed, I noticed a bunch of errors. Let's go through some examples!

Proper nouns need to be capitalised. This includes names of movies, such as The Lion King. Additionally, when 'mum' and 'dad' are used as proper nouns, they should be capitalised. That means that if you write 'no mum' or 'no dad', then they don't need to be capitalised; however, if it's just 'Mum' and 'Dad', then they need capitalisation. For example:

The watch dad gave me last Christmas starts to...

It should be:

The watch Dad gave me last Christmas starts to...

Or:

The watch my dad gave me last Christmas starts to...

Next, let's talk about dialogue. Whenever you have more than one character speaking, you need to separate their dialogue into a new paragraph. For example, you wrote:

"Alright mister cranky. You're starting to sound like my dad," she softly chuckles. I softly grab the side of her face carefully not to hurt her. "I'm serious," I say my thumb stroking up and down her cheek.

It should be:

"Alright mister cranky. You're starting to sound like my dad," she softly chuckles. I softly grab the side of her face carefully not to hurt her.

"I'm serious," I say my thumb stroking up and down her cheek.

There are other issues with that excerpt, but I'll talk more about them in the writing style section. Next up, let's continue with the dialogue streak:

"Done playing with your Barbie doll, Ken?" She says as she puts her book down.

The 'she' should not be capitalised. Since it's a dialogue tag, it is technically part of the same sentence. It should be:

"Don't playing with your Barbie doll, Ken?" she says as she puts her book down.

Next up, you've got a bunch of typos in your story. Here are some I found:

"You're a woman who doesn't waist her time," Richard says.

It should be 'waste' as opposed to waist.

It fills me with relieve that due to the gang...

It should be 'relief' instead of relieve.

Braking my heart as she putts some distance between us.