There are many deteriorating emotions in this world. But to me, sometimes the most soul shattering and infinitely self descructive emotion you could ever have is guilt. Not the type of guilt or shame or sorrow or self criticism - or whatever you want to call it - other people say make you lose your sense of self worth and break yourself down when you're actually a good and strong person deep down inside. The kind of guilt you don't deserve to feel.
It's the kind of feeling you get when you know that it's false. When you know you don't deserve to live. When you truly know that you can't earn self worth by what people believe you are if it's only because you showed them what you thought they needed to see ... and hid the fact that you really are the worst sinner of all people in the room or the hallway or the school or the church or whatever. Perhaps you didn't completely transfom your personality and act like a different person than you are.
Perhaps you just didn't tell them about the parts of yourself you didn't want them to know about. You didn't tell them about the things that you let happen in your life that you shouldn't have that you now regret endlessly and there's nothing you can do about it. You didn't enlighten them about the things you keep on doing and you did so many countless times in the past that contradict most things that give you a reason to think you're worth anything at all.
You don't want them to recognize your life history and to know your entire identity as a human being gives them a valid reason to never want to speak to you again; to look at you like you're the craziest person they ever met; to think that you're not only completely pathetic and a nobody, but your dishonesty and double standards is a danger they want to escape from at all costs.
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Stories from My Life
Non-FictionShort story parts about my odd worldviews, moral and general people observations and life values - and from the weird, wonderful, horrible and dull life I've led so far.
