a personal blog from a stupid individual

apologies

back in grade 5 my best friend vanessa and her best friend katie came up to me and told me they didnt want to be friends anymore.  i think i cried about it. for a while i had no one to sit with except my friend who was constantly away. but like all things after a while of being sad i got over it and moved onto some other people. 

about two weeks later, vanessa apologised. i was curious why she had all of a sudden turned around and said this. she said she had seen me crying and thought it was her fault. 

in year 7 my friend toby had some mental issues. he would self harm, and right in front of me, and wouldnt stop when i cried and asked him to. he would seperate me from my friends in classes. he lied to me about his dad raping him, causing a friend to call the police. one day i broke down and messaged him saying that i was hurt and didnt know why he did all this. the next day he saw me at school crying and not sitting with him. he apologised. he said he was sorry.

my close friend at the time would exclude me. make groupchats without me. scream at me without restraint, let her emotions take the better and tell me to fuck off or shut up about it. i felt pretty excluded from my friends like i was put on the other side of a fence and could only peek to see what was happening on the other side. one day i decided to step up and tell her she hurt my feelings and i did. i told her and she seemed bewildered. 

less than 2 days later she apologised.

theres something in common with all these apologies. they were prompted by an action, a feeling. no apologies are genuine. if an apology was genuine it would happen with everything being the exact same as before. like if i told my friend i hated them for no reason, but our relationship remained the same, if i apologised it would mean something. only after losing something or seeing the consequences of our own actions do we ask for forgiveness.

our apologies are only said to calm the mind and our own guilt. they are for us and no one else. you apologise to make yourself feel better about being a piece of shit. the apology is only so we see ourselves as kind people and good hearted friends. but honestly most of the time its not that way.

apologies are selfish and only are to ammend our wrongs in our own mind with fake apologies.

no apologies are for anyone but ourselves.