You are my king, and you are my queen

Shitpost woo

The one time dazai invaded the agency's office and chuuya, in his frustration, berated dazai and accidentally called him 'osamu'
Dazai, bursting into the agency and glomping Chuuya immediately: chibi! I've missed you so much!
Atsushi, who nearly collided with the human missile: T...the port mafia boss?!
Kunikida, immediately yelling and yosano quickly held him back from attacking dazai with the help of tanizaki.
Naomi casually whipping out her phone to record the incoming scene that ranpo had predicted, also casually helping herself to ranpo's popcorn bucket that was always present in times of drama.
Meanwhile Akutagawa, the unwilling, unfortunate and unhappy escort could only stand outside the agency door because he had more manners than his superior, and Atsushi invited him in, much to akutagawa's delight, and he wasn't quite as unhappy as before.
Chuuya, who just wanted to do his work: Get off me! Aren't you supposed to be at work?!
Dazai, nearly strangling Chuuya as he forcefully got his daily cuddles: Mm, Chuuya is my work!
Chuuya, frustrated because of dazai, not that it was anything new but still: Ugh, just get off of me, osamu!
Dazai:...*blood immediately spurts out of his nose, and he collapses with a thud, and miraculously none of the blood lands on Chuuya or his chair, despite how close dazai was to him*
Akutagawa, in reaction to such a scene, mouth dropping open and Atsushi, in response to akutagawa's reaction, slowly pushes akutagawa's  jaw back up to where it was. Yosano doing a little wolf whistle while Kunikida had a similar reaction as Akutagawa, and tanizaki would have helped him but his jaw was learning intimacy with the floor too. Naomi was all but squealing while ranpo loudly crunched on his popcorn.
Chuuya, who was confused by the sudden disappearance of dazai's weight and the strange reactions of his colleagues turns around and immediately panics and goes to dazai's side: oh my gosh, osamu are you ok- WHY ARE YOU BLEEDING EVEN MORE OSAMU STAY WITH ME IF YOU DIE BEFORE YOU REPAY ME WITH THAT PETRUS YOU REPLACED WITH VINEGAR ILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU
Ranpo: translation of chuuchuu's words: stay with me because I love you so much I can't imagine a world without you.
Kunikida.exe and Akutagawa.exe have stopped working. Naomi passed her phone to yosano so she could continue recording while she dragged tanizaki off, ranpo was clearly enjoying the show while Atsushi focused on attempting to shake Akutagawa back to life.
Indeed, a typical day at the agency, the only difference being chuuya's slip up of saying 'osamu' instead of 'dazai', and making that mistake repeatedly. If dazai required a blood transfusion after all the blood he lost, only the agency members and Akutagawa would know, and maybe oda too because he knew dazai well enough and he's also dazai's right hand man so he would be privy to information as to why dazai was absent from work that day, not that that wasn't a common occurrence but still.
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One fine day in the agency office, nothing big was happening, and all was fine...
And then they were visited by the port mafia boss' right hand man, oda sakunosuke. Not that oda himself was bad but it was mainly because he rarely ever came unless it was ordered by dazai and dazai was the bad one. As expected, what he brought with him was a danger to the agency indeed. Or rather a danger just to one particular agency member.
Oda places a seemingly harmless bento box on chuuya's desk, and instantly the agency members form a ring around Chuuya and the box. It looked nice on the outside, but everyone knew better than to expect nice things when oda stated it was from dazai.
Oda: Dazai cooked it himself.
Atsushi whispering to himself: can he even cook
Chuuya, immediately paling and slowly backing away from the box: must I eat it
Oda: I guess so.
Ranpo somehow slipped out along with his snacks, and Naomi takes the initiative to take the lid off of the box.
Naomi: ah~ this makes me want to cook for onii sa-
Her voice trials off and all of them enter shock mode except for oda and chuuya.
The agency as a collective unit: ...eh?
Oda, wisely not looking at the disaster and all but pitying Chuuya who now had tears in his eyes, he was surely mourning himself now...
Chuuya: it looks so much better than the last time I saw it, dazai, you've improved so much.
Never mind, it appeared chuuya's sense of self preservation was ruined when it came to dazai.
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Sigma, Atsushi, Akutagawa and Kyouka. All 4 of them were simply out of their various workplaces to visit the new shopping mall, just wanting to have a relaxing day off. A rare miracle that their day offs fell on the exact same date, Atsushi took the chance to get his crush, new best friend and unofficial adopted sister all together to accompany him. Except that as soon as they stepped inside, Atsushi immediately wished he had chosen to bring his 'family' to a different place.
Atsushi: ...
Kyouka: ...
Akutagawa: ...
Sigma: ...
The scene they stumbled across was headache inducing. Even more than the one time they somehow had the unfortunate luck to stumble in on ranpo and poe's make out session.
Nikolai: awww, you look so cute!
Of course they would be unlucky enough to walk in on Nikolai and Chuuya having some kind of date. At a wedding dress shop, which just so happened to be the first shop they saw. Not going to lie, Atsushi would admit, Chuuya pulled off the majestic bride all in white look very well, and it was a really nice dress, but the context of this entire situation was...peculiar.
Chuuya: now that I have worn one, it's your turn damnit!
Nikolai: hmm ok!
Chuuya: DONT FUCKING STRIP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOP KOLYA
Nikolai: it's not like you haven't seen this before-
Chuuya: WE ARE IN PUBLIC! THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE!
Atsushi would later find out that the context was both of the wives walking in on dazai and Fyodor being in an extremely compromising position the previous day, unbeknownst to said husbands, got mad, and there was definitely someone pressing down on the accelarator pedal in the car of wives filing for divorce and remarrying. That someone probably being the oblivious husbands who have literally no idea what they are doing wrong and are also because of that making every single possible mistake.
Atsushi prayed that dazai wouldn't do any more stupid things but that probably was too much to hope for. After all, this was dazai they were talking about, king of ignorance and stupid decisions, it was a miracle he even realised he liked the redhead and somehow landed a great jackpot on the love life, because seriously, if Atsushi had met dazai way before he landed Chuuya and before he gained respect for the older man, he would have imagined dazai to be single forever, married only to his own stupidity.
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