The Secret Holder

I. Adjustments

Sunday night has come again, and sitting on my bed with a good book about Biochemistry is not helping me stop thinking about Stiles. He has Malia now, he doesn't need me. Let's face it-the only thing Stiles needs from me is to borrow my notes for Malia to study.

I want to feel differently, but I can't. I'd like to think of Malia as kind and compassionate, but she's just so territorial about Stiles that I second-guess our being friends at all in the first place. Every time I see her with that smug look on her face, it makes me want to scream. I should probably sleep if I want to be able live through the horrors that tomorrow holds.

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"Hello, Malia," I say through my teeth. I just can't help acting like this, so I hope she doesn't notice.

"Lydia," she nods at me, then continues to sift through her locker.

"What are you looking for?" I mumble. What is she doing anyway?

" Okay...so honestly, I'm not looking for anything, but I'm stalling until Stiles gets here. I bleached my ends!" She points at her hair excitedly. "Do you think he'll notice?"

I sigh, trying not to sound exhausted. "Of course he'll notice, Malia. He's Stiles."

"What will I notice?" Stiles' voice pops out from behind me.

"That Lydia's hair looks out of whack," Malia blurts.

Props to her for being quick-witted, but did it really have to be at my expense? I guess my hair does look different because I only bent the ends with my straightener.

Stiles raises his eyebrows and looks from Malia to me, then smiles. "Really? I think it looks nice on you, Lydia."

The blush that isn't supposed to be there seeps into my cheeks. "Thanks..." I blink a couple of times and I wait for one of them to say something.

Stiles's arm curls around Malia's waist and her face says it all. They're definitely together. Officially.

"What?" Stiles looks from Malia to me confusedly. "Am I missing something, or...?"

"I'll talk to both of you later...I told Scott I would pick something up for him." I awkwardly walk away, and pretend that I don't hear the voices inside my head, taunting me about the things I should have said years ago.

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"Hey!" Scott greets me.
"Hi, sorry I'm late... I just got finished talking with Stiles and Malia just a second ago..."
"No, it's fine. Did you get it?"

"Yes. I got the mountain ash from Deaton, if that's what you're asking," I whisper to Scott, dropping the quart-size ziploc of black dust into his right hand.

"Thanks. I'll talk to Stiles about the plan as soon as we're out of school. He's the only one that can do this, you know that, right?"

"Of course I know that. Make sure no one sees it, okay?"
Scott nods, and makes his way towards Kira, on the opposite end of the hallway.
Now I'm alone, and tapping my nails on a desk until class starts. The voices in my head continue speaking. You should've done it. You should have said it sooner. Anytime before he ended up with her would have been fine. He still would acknowledge his feelings. Now he has none.

"Lydia Martin?" I think it must be the instructor.

"Yes?"

"Would you care to explain the weekend's reading to the class?"

I elaborately describe the reading whilst looking straight at the chalkboard. I feel like it's just so easy...but what's really going through my head is much more complicated.

The day dwindles by, and all I think of is Stiles, Stiles, Stiles. I think the solution to this is to somehow avoid him inconspicuously. And someone's bound to find out about my feelings sometime, so there's no doubt Stiles won't be in the dark for long. Maybe that's what I want? Maybe I just need someone to tell him behind my back so that it will just be out in the open, and I won't have to do anything about it.