Unstable And Yours

Wanted Man

Unedited

I'I've viewed all the videos he sent me on my laptop. It's hard not to watch them at this point. I was curious to see how things could unfold, and it turns out, it could be quite problematic. I will kill him and then myself if it gets out. It was like, I'm watching a legit porn video, many different videos, many different positions.

I express my frustration by placing both hands on my face. Despite attempting to call him thousands of times, he remains unresponsive. I went to the extent of unblocking his number and giving him a call, yet there was no response.

I felt sick as fuck, like I wanted to throw up but nothing would come out.

I focus back on the video to see I was being fucked from behind screaming his name, how didn't I notice he was recording? I was letting myself be degraded by him and I loved it, it was my guilty pleasure. But I liked how no one knew this side of me but him, it was something I only wanted to share with him. I was so vulnerable with him and he's using it against me.

I quickly wipe the tears that fall from my face.

Maddie comes into her bedroom and quickly snatch my laptop from me.

"You're still watching that shit?!" She ask me in disbelief.

"Maddie,  I don't know what else to do!" I immediately break down crying."My mom is going to be ashamed of me."

"She won't, Fin, and this isn't your fault." She gently wipes away my tears, but new ones continue to stream down. I've never felt so powerless before. What if he's made up his mind? It feels like he's determined to go through with it, regardless of what I say to him.

"Maddie one of our lives are over, it's not going to be mine."

"Killing him is just going to make a whole new set of problems! You're just manic right now, please try to get some sleep-"

"I can't fucking sleep!" I pop up from her bed and began to pace around.

"The fucking rage I feel right now, I can't wait to see his fucking life drain. Ooooh, I can't wait until I see him." I say becoming very heated, I've never been angry in my life.

Maddie sighs rubbing her hands through her hair.

"Fin it's 3 am you need to sleep, do you want a Xanax or something?" She ask.

"No I don't want a Xanax! Oh my god I can't-" I'm suddenly overwhelmed by nausea as a vile sensation rises in my throat. Hastily, I sprint out of Maddie's room, making my way to the bathroom to vomit into the toilet. It seems unending—everything I consumed today is expelled from my system.

"You don't think it's pregnancy do you?" Maddie ask with a worried look on her face.

"No it's not pregnancy bitch, my nerves are just bad."

"Ok let me run you some bathwater, you need to get cleaned up."

I observe silently as she fills her tub with water, and my thoughts begin to drift. This might be the lowest point in my life. However, I can't place blame on anyone but myself. He warned me that this is how it would turn out, yet foolishly, I disregarded it due to the depth of my love for him. The pain in my heart is overwhelming, stemming from a sense of betrayal. I find myself questioning if he ever truly loved me or if it was all about control.

"Finneas," Maddie calls out to me. The tub is filled with bubbles, and I just stare at them with blurry eyes. She comes over and helps me undress.

Upon entering the hot water, a sense of tension begins to dissipate. I sigh, feeling more at ease, and eventually close my eyes, allowing the warmth to envelop me.

*****

I couldn't afford to miss any more days of school; it was simply not an option. So, for the remainder of the week, I forced myself to get up with Maddie's help. It felt like torture as I became the center of everyone's discussions. Countless rumors started circulating about the identity of the person involved. It was challenging, but I had to maintain the façade of being clueless. Mentally, I felt shattered. The things people were saying made me want to lash out, to confess and reveal the truth to everyone. But the looming questions remained—would they even understand? Would my mom understand?

I've been attempting to reach Giovanni the entire week, but he hasn't responded once. The anger within me is escalating, reaching new heights. I confided in Maddie, stating that I was merely upset and not seriously considering harming him. However, deep down, I genuinely mean what I said. He underestimates me, but when pushed, I can be just as dangerous as him.

I've been thinking of ways to do it, maybe a gun. Maybe I'll stab him in his sleep and watch his blood splatter all over the place but whatever I decide, I'm going to be very pleased.

I successfully made it through the rest of the week, and Maddie drove me home. I watch as we pull into our driveway.

"Thank you so much, girl," I say, leaning over to give her a hug. I get out of the car, shutting the door, but I halt before walking away when I notice Giovanni's car parked on the curb in front of Katherine's house.

"I'm staying with you tonight," Maddie declares as she gets out of her car. She, too, has noticed Giovanni's car, and I can't help but laugh.

"You don't need to-"

"Nah, I'm cool. I don't like that look on your face, so I'm staying. We wear the same size, anyway. I'll borrow some of your clothes," Maddie insists.

I groan but don't argue against her; she has her mind made up. Regardless of what she does, I'm determined to see him.