in the ataraxis of aftermath

sukaikujira station

Naoko missed the train.

She couldn't believe it at first. She stood at the station with her backpack in hand, chest heaving, feet burning. Her breath burned her throat, her calves feeling like they were pulling themselves apart.

Naoko fell onto her knees, palms flat against the cement.

Devastated, she thought. So this is what it means to be devastated.

Because she was alone here. She would be alone here until the train came back tomorrow.

She would be alone because Keyla had gotten all fidgety. The night before, after Keyla had gone to put away the dresses and jewelry and assorted items, she had come back and announced that she would be leaving early tomorrow. Naoko, confused, asked her why. Keyla had laughed. Naoko, annoyed, asked her again. Keyla had said she had to do something. Naoko, curious, asked her what. Keyla had said it was a surprise. Naoko, still curious, had dropped the subject. Keyla had nodded at nothing and kept her hands in her pockets.

"Meet me at the aquarium," Keyla had said, later. "I'll be waiting. Take however long you want, but I'll be waiting for you there."

And, true to her word, Keyla was gone that morning. The small balcony they had shared felt so bland and cold without Keyla's sleeping bag across from hers. The world had been bleak and gray and dreary.

Naoko had slept in.

She hadn't wanted to get up at all. The train would be arriving later than usual and she had nothing else to do. Naoko had felt so heavy and tired and so she just stayed in bed.

And that was her downfall.

Now Naoko was stranded, truly, horribly stranded, in this corner of the world.

Well, not truly. She supposed she could walk down the train tracks or wait for Keyla to realize and come back for her. But Keyla would be waiting for who knew how long and spending the day walking, after nearly tearing herself apart to get to the station at just the wrong time, sounded like torture.

Naoko's fingers shook and her eyes pooled with unshed tears. There was something about it, maybe, Naoko thought, being left on your own. She knew Keyla was waiting. She knew she was needed. She knew she had an obligation to go, a pressure formed from the need to fulfill.

But she wasn't ready. Not yet, not just now, not today.

A break, maybe. That's what Naoko needed. Something to tell her that she was fine, she was okay, that she didn't have to go quite yet.

But why did she feel like this? Naoko swallowed roughly, fingers curling against the cold cement. Her life wasn't particularly hard and she was happy, wasn't she? Hadn't she been recently feeling like her heart was strung along a clothes line that was laid out in the sun, an even sort of happiness that prevailed even if the winds tried to tear it off? And even before that, when the moments of shade had been longer and denser, it was still easy. There was no real reason to go anywhere. There was no one to see and no time to meet them.

So no, Naoko could not be miserable. She had no reason to be, there was no purpose to this panic, this was just some sort of self-obsessed pity that kept her miserable and tightly-strung despite a life where she could do whatever she wanted with someone she wanted to spend the rest of said life with.

---

Naoko spent her day there, in the shade of the station's platform, curled on a bench, drifting in and out of uneasy sleep. Each time, just before she opened her eyes, Naoko found herself searching for the train, which would be just in front of her, waiting patiently, surely it would, if she could just open her eyes to see it.