If Looks Could Kill - Vance Hopper

twelve

I sit in the hospital waiting room along with basically half the school.

I only remembers two things from night I kissed Vance. The first was how exhilarating it felt to admit to him exactly what I thought. To tell him and show him how much I really liked him. The second was moments later, when Vance and I were walking home—my home—and we heard slow shuffles behind us. A grunting noise. Small sobs. I turned around first. Maybe it was a lost kid who couldn't find his mom.

When I locked eyes with him, I froze.

Holy.

Fucking.

Shit.

I remember the way he looked. Bruised, cut, beaten. His left arm was sticking out at an odd angle and his right ear was torn off, though you could barely see what was left because it was caked in blood. His usually perfect nose was now pointing sharply to the right and gushing blood. The entire left side of his face was swollen, with a busted lip.

It was terrifying. He looked like he had crawled out of a grave.

"Bruce," I croaked, only after his eyes rolled the back of his head and he fell forward onto the pavement.

There are nurses and doctors running from place to place and Mr. and Mrs. Yamada are frantic was they speak with Dr. Caldwell.

"I want to see my son!" Mrs. Yamada exclaims, face soaked with tears. Mr. Yamada has his arm around her, trying to explain that once the surgery is through, they'll get to visit.

We were told that Bruce has three broken ribs, a fracture in his left knee, a broken elbow, a sprained wrist and a lot more.

It makes my heart hurt to think all he went through. He doesn't deserve this. Not any of it.

I hang my head and my face feels hot. I want to cry, except I can't with half the school in the same room as me. Vance is somewhere getting water and snacks from a vending machine. We've been here since two in the morning and it's almost noon. The other kids just got here this morning when they found out. Bruce's reappearance is all over the newspaper.

Finney Blake is here with his sister, Gwen. Finney sees me and purses his lips. I wave.

Nobody here is smiling because nobody here is happy.

Yes, people are glad Bruce was found, but not in his condition. We're not even sure he'll make it.

Shut up. My heart tries to erase the thought. He'll make it, he will.

When Vance comes back with water and food, people stare. They stare as he sits down next to me and shares his contents with me. They stare as he tells me to lighten up. They stare as he grins at me in attempt to get me in a better mood.

No one is used to this, not even me, so I just sit there in silence, staring at my hands which sit in my lap.

I wonder how things will be with Bruce back, alive and breathing.

I wonder if he'll hate me for being so rude to him the night he disappeared, or if he'll just brush it off like the kind person he is.

Vance tries to put his hand in mine. I cross my arms and shift in my seat. I don't think I want Vance here. I just want time alone to be with my thoughts.

Vance doesn't get the hint. He just gets more intrigued by the lack of attention I'm giving him.
"Anna. Anna. Hey, Anna. Anna, look. Anna," he tugs at my shirt. "Anna."

"Stop it," I mutter, fighting back a smile.

"You look so good when you're tired," he whispers, lips next to my ear.

I look away and shiver, though the waiting room is warm. Vance laughs lightly and leans back in his seat, satisfied because he got a reaction out of me.

Hours go by, but I don't leave the hospital. I know it's pointless because I can't see him anyway, not for at least another few days, but I want to be here so that he's not alone, in a sense. Vance isn't happy with it, I can tell. He keeps glaring at me, wondering why I'd wanna be here for Bruce. I don't know the reason why myself. I don't love him, I hardly know him. But I feel something else. Something heavy.

Guilt.

Once it gets dark, Jeremy comes to pick me up. Vance and I sit in the back seat because Gale is in the passenger. He looks angry but he doesn't say anything to me the whole ride home. Jeremy doesn't question where Vance lives because he knows that he'll probably be living with us until Mom and Dad come back home.

Gale glares at Vance but he doesn't seem to notice. The entire way he just keeps his blue eyes locked on me. I love being next to Vance. He makes me feel so seen. Our arms are touching and I appreciate the way his skin feels against mine. I've missed this, I really have.

I close my bedroom door behind me once we're home. Vance sits at my bed, pulling off his shoes. He throws himself back and smiles, closing his eyes. "I love your mattress. I could die here."

I try to smile, Bruce lurking in the back of my mind. "Please don't."

I pull off my shoes and change into my pajamas in the closet. When I come out, Vance is sitting at my vanity, looking around at my things. "Nothing's changed."

I shake my head and turn off the lights, leaving only the lamp on my nightstand on. "No. I'm very boring, I know."

Vance grins and climbs into the bed with me. "For once, we agree on something."

I roll my eyes and turn the lamp off. I think of what Bruce is feeling right now. Is he awake? Do the doctors have him under some medicine to keep him asleep? Is he thinking of me as well?

Beneath the blankets, Vance hesitates before wrapping an arm around me. I turn around to face him.

What if Bruce is awake and he's upset that I'm not at the hospital with the rest of his friends? Does he expect me to be there? Does he want me to be?

I scoot away from Vance. I shouldn't have left. I shouldn't be here, happy in my bed with Vance when Bruce is suffering in the hospital. It's not fair. Not fair at all.

I shouldn't be happy when I caused Bruce all this hurt.

I sit up. "I'll be back," I tell Vance. But I know I won't be.

I take a small picnic blanket from the hallway closet and pull my shoes and coat on. I walk out the front door as quiet as I can and start towards the hospital.

Is this the right thing to do?