They say some people come into your life for a reason. I strongly believe that this is true. When I met you, I felt from the start that it wasn't a coincindence that our ways crossed. It was the interest for River Phoenix as being matching that brought us together. Over the months the thought of there being a higher meaning for why we met grew more and more. I said it to you a lot. Cause I was convinced by it. I still was even in our dying times.
I'm a very careful person, loving to be in a safe place, sometimes being too much in my comfort zone. When you crashed into my life, something incredible happened. You woke sides inside me that showed me there's so much more to life than what I had at that point. So much more world out there, so much more inside of me I never knew or buried a long time ago. You inspired me with your enthusiasm, your light way to look at life, to stand up and push through in hard times, cause despite your young age you've seen a lot. You made me believe in myself, not being afraid to be who I am, to see I have strenght in me, the power to make people feel good and to overthink the things that kept me a little stuck and to open up to more challenges. Once you said I'm like a flower that blossoms; I reminded you of Princess Jasmine, being so curious and hungry for life, excited to see a world I've never seen before, shy but strong. You were my Aladdin and the song "A whole new world" was our hymn. I never saw myself like that. You really gave me confidence and made me overgrow myself. Without you I'd have never traveld to the US on my own. Would never have walked the streets of Manhattan. Would never have spent three incredible weeks with my friend. But actually I wanted to see you. You. You were all I wanted.
You said to me that meeting me changed your life. That I changed you to being a better person. To be who you are without hiding or playing a role. You said I was the most amazing person you ever fell in love with. That I was your safe place. Thinking about these words now opens up the deep wounds in my heart again. Saying I changed you to be a better person and at the same time lying to me about your whole being, about the person you are, creating a world that wasn't yours...it fells like mockery to me. As if you fed me poison, in small doses, watching me getting intoxicated slowly. You were like a drug to me. A dangerous one that I didn't see the outcome for a long time. A drug that broke the most precoius of me.
What was I to you? Just a way of getting attention, admiration and love cause you didn't receive it? Was I the victim of your revenge against the people that have hurt you in your past like you always told me? Was it fun to seeing me creep on the floor? Was it nice for you to know I'm vulnerable and cut my heart and soul into pieces? Everyday I get tortured by the question how anyone can be so coldhearted. Your heart seems to be covered by a thick layer of ice, impenetrable. If you have a heart at all. Yesterday I felt your presence intensely and it caught me off-guard. Sitting in my apartment, tears running down my face, tears of anger, tears of sorrow, tears of pain. It must have been thousands I cried for you. You don't even deserve one of them.
They say some people come into your life for a reason. They fullfill a certain job and when this job is done, they leave. I left you but your job was done obviously. I just hated your last day at work. But maybe it was better this way. The truth hurts but we can't change it and have no choice than facing it. Somebody told me that I don't need you anymore. You showed me a way to get out of my comfort zone and now I can do it alone. Yet I'm still searching for the answers and reasons.
I will always get reminded of you. Most recently today, when I opened a book of my favorite author and I almost lost conscious...the story plays in New York and the main character has your name and age.
