Call me naive, but I've never heard of catfishing before until a short time ago. Looking back, I can't believe how blind I was for not even thinking about you being fake. Everything felt so real, pure and true. You've created a world around us that didn't allow doubts. It wasn't too good to be true. You got your rough edges and let me feel them. All you build up seemed like a perfect lie. Never to be revealed.
In a very clever way you made me fall from you. But it was pushing and pulling. You knew exactly which things trigger me. You made me feel empathy for you, telling you had had a tough life despite being young. You seemed gorgeous and deep, mysterious by not telling me everything and that way keeping up my desire and interest in you. You made me feel wanted, loved, being someone special that you've never met, someone that understands you the way you are and feel things you've never felt before. Of course I fell for that. How couldn't I? It never seemed exaggerated or sugar-coated. By spending hours and hours together, you explored what I was missing, what I was looking for. It's almost impressive how you could read me and that way pulling me closer and closer into your spider's web until I couldn't escape anymore. I was totally lost in you. Slowly I gave up myself for you. I stopped playing the piano. I stopped working out. I stopped going out. I stopped reading. Everything was build around you. You were my world. It must have felt victorious for you to completely own me. You were my drug. I was in your hands.
Now I know why we never met. Why we never spoke on the phone. Why the letter addressed to you came back to me. You never wanted to see me. You couldn't cause it would have proved you were just thin air. All those lies, a wide net of it. I gave you what you needed, sucking attention, admiration, affection and love out of me like a vampire. What's left of me is just an empty shell wanting life back. Happiness. Trust.
Looking back now and seeing the catfishing clearer and clearer, I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I was blind and deaf for the warnings I received. I wanted it to be true. I needed it to be true. High hopes. But the house of cards only had a limited time to stand up right. After weeks of processing the pain over all you did, I can only say that I'm glad I got off with a slap on the wrist. It was hurtful as fuck, I think I've never felt worse in my life. How can anyone be so cruel and heartless? I'm angry. I'm embarrassed. I'm speechless. I'm broken.
Talking to real people around me will help me heal. The therapy. Working out. Going out. Reading. Writing. Taking care of myself. Practising self-love.
Nobody deserves catfishing. Nobody. Practising it is rape on people's minds.
If my heart had a voice it would tell me that the wound you left is deep and painful. It will leave a scar that will always remind me of you. But hopefully your memory will stop haunting me one day and I will see the sun again.
