I'll Just Stand Here and Watch You Go

Author's Note

Okay, let's try this again.

Picture this.

You're an unofficial theater kid in a country where theater is not exactly readily available so while you can't pursue it yourself you have a deep abiding life-changing love for it that motivates you to keep discovering more and more about it and then you hear about this musical called Dogfight which was based on a movie so you decide to watch the movie first to find out just what the hell a dogfight is and hey this main guy is hella cute who he and you look him up and one My Own Private Idaho later you're crying over Stand By Me and looking up pictures of him on Google Images to keep you motivated while slogging through fifty thousand college school works.

That is an approximation of how I found out about River Phoenix. Oh, River Phoenix.

Though at some point, this thinly-veiled-fanfic-slash-novella became about more than him — it was also about everyone we lost too quickly, friend, relative, or celebrity. No matter the distinction, they are all loved ones. It was just River Phoenix's circumstances that broke me. 

In any case, as a busy student, I was finding less and less time for myself that was also productive. Any time I tried to open one of my WIPs, I just sat there, staring at the page, wondering how the hell they got there, wondering how the hell I got here, wondering if they were ever gonna move. Wondering if I was ever going to move. Inspiration, whatever that is, was scarce.

Somehow, this thinly-veiled-fanfic-slash-expression-of-the-help-I-wished-I'd-gotten came out easily. Its progression didn't intimidate me. I wrote it lying in bed after a long day of online classes. Writing in the dead of night in fits and starts is unsustainable, but damn, does it produce results.

I would like to thank nobody and no one for helping me with this project. I did it for me and I'm sharing it for me. Though once it's shared, I can never really lay the lion's claim to it again. That's what I think, at least.

If you're reading this, I mean what I say. You are not a burden. No matter what they tell you or what you tell yourself. Your true family will forgive you anything.