(Not in order of stuff being said. Random stuff. Even from years ago.)
(BTW I'm using code names for this, since I have not gotten permission to use real names.)
Fox: "I mean I get it too, I do stupid stuff, but why would you teach your grandma how to dab?"
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Sheep's mom: "The cannibals are over there."
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Me: "This would make a good hiding place for a school shooting."
Graphics teacher: "I think that's the last thing you would be thinking about if there were a school shooting."
Snake: *Gives me weird look*
Me: "I have weird thoughts."
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Me: "It's not going to matter in a few months from now when I'm not here anymore."
Badger: "It doesn't matter! We're in the here and now!"
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Snake: "The queen challenges you to a boxing match."
Badger: "I thought the boxing match wasn't until a few years from now!"
Snake: "That's the trial."
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Classmate: "Her boyfriend looks like Humpty dumpty."
Me: "We broke up!"
Classmate: I meant ______'s boyfriend. Why would I say your boyfriend looks like Humpty dumpty?
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Me: "Oh, that was _____ then."
Badger: "Don't call him out like that, he's right over there!"
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Snake: "You're late to our boy band meeting."
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Sheep's mom: "Who only has 15 points!?"
Me: "Me."
Sheep's mom: "Awww, _____, you're so cute!"
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Sheep: "____ only has 15 points and she's still playing!"
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Me: "Is Helen Keller a real person?"
Sheep's boyfriend: "Did someone just ask if Hellen Keller was a real person?"
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Classmate: "Only Indians can say ow."
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Dad: "We can't go to a Dinosaur museum because they would just leave him there."
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Me: "Do you think it's weird that my favorite scent is my arm when I come out of the pool?"
Mom: "Probably."
—
Alligator: "Bus drivers are ye-haw. Please put that in the out-of-context book, because that's really out of context."
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Classmate: "So if you went west, how did you get home?"
Me: "West."
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Unicorn: "Is my mom dating my uncle?"
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(Some random guy walks in the library): "Are you allowed to talk to strangers?"
Classmate: "Yeah."
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Mom: "Patients is a virtue."
Me: "You not making me late is a virtue!"
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Alligator: "Mom, I want to go home. They're playing Ed Sheeran."
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Mom: "You went to this fancy place and all you took pictures of was the asparagus."
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Theater teacher: "I like hats."
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Me: "My favorite one was where the dad was checking out the poodle and the mom gets jealous."
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Me: "I'd rather it be drugs than a heart attack."
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Classmate: "Am I built like a refrigerator?"
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Classmate: "Look, it's a Kylo Ren refrigerator!"
Badger: "Don't bully him like that"
—
Me: "They were giving us weird looks for talking about wolf pack rankings, while they were over there talking about pregnant vegetables!"
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Snake: "Do you want a dyslexic mug?"
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Fox: "I think my mom is hiding JOE BIDEN IN THE BASEMENT"
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Mom: "We're not playing right now! We're putting your shoes on and seeing a horse."
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Me: "In fourth grade, you can be popular by bracelets and scissors."
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Me: "It looks like it has moose ears. What cow has moose ears?"
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Me: "My brother is obsessed with toilets."
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Me: "It's like hey. Your brain is really expensive so we can help you with that."
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Dad: (Joking) "You're a bad influence!"
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Me: "He said I was conservative about my bell ringing."
Mom: "That's a weird way of putting it."
Me: "Yeah, I'm not liberal about my bell ringing, I'm conservative about my bell ringing."
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Mom: "My pants are falling down."
Me: "Your cancer's falling down?"
Mom: "Yeah, my pants are falling down."
Me: "Oh! I thought you said your cancer's falling down!"
