poetry I write while mentally ill in college

are we even or are we dating

Fuck you for making me
Feel for you
Feel for you
Fuck you for making me
Fall for you
Fall for you

I'll be the first to say
I ain't ever been in love
Be the first to say
What I'm feelin' is enough

That I'm beginning to wonder
If this falling feeling
Will bring me to life
Or stop me from breathing
Cause lately I find that air in my lungs
Is fake and I gag and I choke on my tongue

Here I am asphyxiating
I'm just watching
I'm just waiting
Wondering if I will die
Wondering will I tell you why

[Tch course I won't]

Fuck you for making me
Feel for you
Feel for you
Fuck you for making me
Fall for you
Fall for you
Fuck you for never
Having a clue
Just one damn clue

You invited me for ice cream and paid
Hand still in pocket I let go of my wallet
All night the feeling stayed so I grew a bit afraid of what my heart had made
But I bought you dinner ?
Are we even or are we dating?

You told me months later
How you looked up at the waiter
Who thought we were together
And I didn't know whether I found it
Happy or dismaying
Hopeful or degrading
Comedically frustrating
Oh so aggravating
You don't I'm deprecating
I laugh but it's humiliating
I think you're so intoxicating
But you don't hear how much I'm faking
And God that so infuriating

Fuck you

Fuck you for making me
Feel for you
Feel for you
Fuck you for making me
Fall for you
Fall for you

We went for a walk
Took you to my favorite spot
And I didn't mind the sun
Cause I been thinkin' you're one
And when you weren't ready to go home
And I didnt wanna be alone
I told you
"I have ice cream"

So you're on my couch and I sit a ways away
Cause I should give you space
But I'm craving your embrace
And these feelings don't abate
So my body migrates
The distance deflates
And I should be concentrating
On your elucidating
Cause I find you captivating

But the sun comes through your hair
Like through a blanket over our heads
On a Saturday morning as we lie in bed
But I find myself mourning this dream I have fed
Find it's a warning of a life I should shed
You say you have to go
And I whine that I don't want to move
Cause your so comfy
And you just thank me
As if it was just a compliment
Not my soul lament
Not my personal torment
Not a minuscule hint
Of what I really meant
So I lifted my head up off your lap
Grabbed my keys
And drove you home
I need to let go