IMP-loyee of the Month

Chapter 2: the effects of yesterday and tomorrow

Wake up, bitch, you're gonna be late! Wake up, bitch, you're gonna be late! Wake up bitch! Wake up, bitch! Wake up, bitch, you're gonna be late!

I'm thinking of just letting it go until it stops. I'm not willing to move, it's all going to hit me the second I move. I'm not going to move.

Motherfucker, wake the fuck up! I'm only going to get more irritating. Wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up-

I have to move.

It doesn't even give me a second. Immediate rush of pain to the head. I'm attempting how to figure out how after previously having been stabbed, shot, and punched in the face, that this is much worse. As I turn off my alarm, I can feel Fizz's arm move over my shoulder. "Morning, daddy." He says, with that same seductive tone he had last night. "Hey, man. Last night was crazy." I reply honestly, since what I do remember from last night was crazy. "Indeed it was. You were an animal, untamed, and yet willing to serve me as my lover." Fizz says, Shakespeare levels of dramatically. "Ha, ha." I joke. "You wanna do it again?" Fizz asks, 100% seriously. "I really, really, really wish I could. But, this headache will completely kill the mood, and I gotta be at work in an hour anyway. We are definitely doing this again, though. There is no doubt about that." I assure Fizz. "Great. Normally, I'm a 'dick and dash' type of guy, but man, you got something I ain't ever had before." Fizz says, acting poetic again. In a confusing way, it kind of turns me on. I get an idea. I grab his wallet, and take all the belongings out except for his ID. "How's this? I found this wallet. This guy's pretty sexy, I think it'll be easy to find him and return this wallet to him." I say. "I like your way of thinking, Ex. Now get out of here. Go do your shit." Fizz says. "I'll see you around, Fizz." I reply. Before slipping out the door.

On my way to the office, I make sure to grab some headache medicine. Fast-acting, my ass. Migraine's a bitch. It doesn't help when the first thing I get is an earful of megaphone, as if Blitzo's voice isn't loud enough already. "Oh, Exin! You're 14 minutes and 57 seconds late! 58! 59! 15 minutes!" He screams through the megaphone, amplifying it and making 25 times worse for my ears. "Alright, Mr. Blitzo, I apologize. Can you please not? This headache is only getting worse by the second." I say. "Just drink coffee. It works magic for some fucking reason." Loona interjects. At her suggestion, I head over to the coffee pot, kick Moxxie out of the way, hold back Millie from punching at me, and down the entire coffee pot. "In about an hour, I am going to be feeling the effects of yesterday and tomorrow all at once." I state, before turning Millie around to go baby her husband's baby dick. "You watch how you treat my Moxxie, or you'll be feeling the effects of me kicking your ass." Millie says toward me, coldly. "You tell your Moxxie to keep his mouth shut while I'm doing my shit, or you both will be feeling the effects of the hospital bill after I put you both in the ground." I retort. "Alright everyone, you can stop measuring your dicks, because they're not as big as mine. Well, eh... so so." Blitzo says after looking down at my business. I'm not ready to have that conversation with Blitzo, but luckily I don't have to after the phone rings. "Hello, I.M.P. Okay, cool." Loona hangs up the phone as quickly as she picks it up. I can only assume that means one thing. "Another ex in the ground?" I ask. "Yep." Loona says, going right back to her reading. "Cool. Let's go marriage counseling." I say, flipping out my razor blade. "That does not make any sense whatsoever." Moxie tries to interrupt me. "Shut up, baby dick!" I reply, "Yeah, that's just it. We can't go now, because the book is with Stolas, and if I go over there, he's gonna wanna try and fuck me, and I don't wanna do that right now. So, maybe we can hold off till tomorrow?" Blitzo asks. "Oh, come on, man. Look, I'll tell you what. I'll go with you, so I can prevent him from hurting you, poor thing." I say, babying Blitzo. He quickly smacks my hand away. "Well, good job, Ex, you just gave me a great idea. To make sure no one touches my asshole, I'm dragging your asshole along. Now follow me, to the van, and if you pull anything stupid, I reserve any and all legal rights to shoot you in the face." Blitzo says. "Got it, boss." I answer. "What is happening right now?" Moxxie the retarded asks. "Dude, just shut the fuck up!" I say, before heading out. As I walk away, I can hear Moxxie droning on and on. "Did you just hear that? Does he have any respect for me, or anyone here?" He says. "Hey, fatass. Shut up." Loona retorts. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who's tired of Moxxie going on about things no one cares about. 5 seconds of him not voicing his opinion on shit that doesn't concern him is all I ask for. I don't think it's that hard to deliver on such.

When I hop in the van, I fumble with the radio. Nothing on, really. Blitzo once again smacks my hand away. "No. No music, because we have things to talk about. Let's start with the more important one. When we get here, you need to watch my back at all times. Any signs of Stolas so much as thinking about going to town, you report to me. Got it?" Blitzo says. "Got it." I answer. "Also, don't you think about getting any ideas, either. If we want to work on same day delivery for our clients, we need to be in and out of here. Don't let him go on about the galaxy, or his erotic fanfiction, we are straight to the book and done. Got it?" Blitzo continues. "Got it, boss. Quick question, um, what if this doesn't work? What if he sees me and changes his mind, and all of a sudden, he wants to be sandwiched between the two of us?" I ask. "Oh, shit. You are hot. And you got a monster between your legs. Fuck, I didn't think of that. Just cum quick, grab the book, and go." Blitzo says. "Got it, boss." I asnwer. We continue going over our strategy when he finally pull up to the front of this big ass palace. I'm amazed. Blitzo is not. "Come on, let's get this over with." Blitzo says. "How are we gonna get in here? I think those walls are too high to climb..." I'm thinking that Blitzo has to sneak in all the time, so I'm baffled when he simply knocks on the giant door. "We can just knock on the door, Ex." Bltizo says calmly. "What? What if his wife answers the door or something?" I ask. "Oh, please, she's the type who buys a new umbrella cuz her old one got wet. She won't even touch the doorknob. Plus, she may or may not have caught us." Blitzo says. "You let her catch you?" I ask in my momentary panic. "It doesn't fucking matter, she blabbed about it to everyone, no one cares, so the butlers just let me in." He says as the door opens to reveal a beautiful owl woman standing over us. "Is that her?" I ask Blitzo. "No, that's someone else." He replies. "Oh, its you again. I'm assuming you're here for the Grimoire?" She asks. "Yeah." Blitzo says awkwardly. The woman sighs and lets us in. My ears aren't as good as they used to be, but I could swear I hear her say "Yeah, no big deal. All you had to do was fucking destroy my family for it." As we walk away, I wait until I'm for sure we're out of earshot before I turn to Blitzo. "She's beautiful." I tell him. "She's 17." Blitzo says, shooting down that idea quickly and saving my ass. "Well, that was close. Thanks, Mr. Blitzo." I tell him. "Yeah. Got you." He replies. He has me turn a corner, where we find the Goetian Prince, searching through his bookshelf. When he stares over at us, I feel a cold shiver rush through me, and I'm pretty sure I piss myself a little. I let up a bit when he greets us warmly. "Oh, hello, Blitzy! Who's your friend?" He asks sweetly, completely contrasting the horny fucker I was expecting him to be. "Hey, Stolas. Um, this is Exin, my newest employee." Blitzo answers. "Uh, hello, Your Majesty." I say, doing an awkward bow. Blitzo hits me in the arm. "You don't have to bow." He tells me through gritted teeth. "Okay, I'm sorry, he's royalty, you always bow to royalty in the movies." I reply. "Oh, no, that's not necessary. Blitzy is a friend of mine, and I'm always happy to meet his friends. Now, I'm assuming you two are here to retrieve the Grimoire?" Stolas asks. "Yes, that's what we're here for." Blitzo answers. "Alrighty, then! You two wait here, I will be right back." Stolas says excitedly. As he's gone, I turn to Blitzo once again. "Your friend?" I ask, confused. "I don't... I don't know why he said that." Blitzo replies. "Yeah, that just felt... confusing." I say. Stolas soon returns with the book. "Here you are, Blitzy! Now, you know my instructions well." Stolas says. "Yeah, yeah, when I'm done, bring it back to you. I think I got it." Blitzo says. "I know you do. I hope to see you again soon enough." Stolas says, and just based on the tone of his voice I know where this is going. "Boss? We should probably get going. You're not around to manage things, Loona's probably looking for the kill spot in Moxxie's throat right now." I say, getting Blitzo out of there and succesfully completing another personal mission. As we walk out, I turn around to say goodbye, but the beautiful underage girl slams the door in my face. What a mighty fun royal family.

"Fucking Hell, that crazy horny fucker can't even eat a banana without pretending it's a dick he can stick in his asshole." Blitzo says on the drive back. "He was nice. He wasn't a prick, I was expecting him to be a royal pain in the ass." I say, fumbling with the book. "By the way, you were right. I saw him giving you that look, he most definitely wants to be double-teamed by us." Blitzo continues on. "How is that girl that pretty at 17? I mean, not to sound weird or anything, but just, how does that work?" I continue going on about other things. "I'm dreading having to go fuck that bird-brain again. Well, truthfully, he'll be so desperate that he'll just do whatever I want and I can be out in a jiffy." Blitzo adds. "I hope Loona really is tearing Moxxie apart right now." I say, before my thoughts just stop, leaving me to sit in silence. That's exactly what we do for a few seconds. I go to turn on the radio again, but once more, Blitzo smacks my hand away. "By the way, you slut, when were you gonna tell me you got laid?" Blitzo says, completely catching me off guard.

"What?"