IMP-loyee of the Month

Chapter 3: dysfunctional family

"I swear to you, I was gonna tell you that I slept with someone, but we got a job, and I just wanted to do it, and my headache was insane, and I'm sorry, man. I was sad that we don't really celebrate every job and I went to the bar just to drown my sorrows in some good alcohol, I met the guy, we had an honest conversation, he was hot, and we fucked. I was going to tell you every little detail, but I was just... tired." I tell Blitzo as we arrive at the office. "Excuses, excuses. You know I'm a whore for the details. How could you leave me hanging like that?" Blitzo replies. "Honestly, there aren't that many details cuz I was too shit-faced to remember half the things that happened that night." I say. "What in the world are you guys talking about?" Millie asks as soon as she catches in on the conversation. "Exin lost his virginity." Moxxie adds smugly. "Yeah, yeah, you're a real comedian, baby dick. Remind me how much you're paying this bitch to pretend to be your wife everyday?" I retort. "You better watch it, Ex." Millie says, pointing her knife at me. "Come on, Loona, you let me down. I thought you were gonna rip Moxxie's throat out!" I jokingly whine. "If I did that, the fatass would still find some way to talk." Loona replies. "Yeah, that's fair." I say. "Aw, I love my fucking dysfunctional family. Now, can we get to work?" Blitzo says, holding up the file of our target. White female, rather young, clearly not 17, though. Looks like one of those fake suicidal emo chicks. "Not gonna lie, I'd smash." I say. "You're disgusting, Exin." Moxxie says. "And you have a small dick. Your point?" I retort. "Boys, can we focus, please?" Mille says. Moxxie shuts up because if he doesn't, he doesn't get pegged tonight. I do because unfortunately, she's absolutely right. After we get all the details, we use the Grimoire to portal ourselves to Earth. A quick walk finds us at the house, where our victim is located. "Target acquired, I'm going in." I say, but Moxxie steps in front of me and sets up his sniper. "Step back, rookie, I got this one." He says, placing his silencer and scopes and all the fixings on his sniper since he's too much of a pussy to do it like a man. "You don't got nothing, baby dick. Besides, your aim is so far off." I say. "Is it really?" Moxxie says, not even looking up. "Yes, it is." I say as I kick his sniper over. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Moxxie says angrily. "You. You're in my way. Now sit down, shut up, and watch the better assassin work his magic." I say, before turning around and going to do my job. As I walk away, I feel a sharp pain graze my arm. I turn around to see Moxxie, holding his sniper. "Oops." Moxie says, once again a smug look wearing his face. "Oh, you motherfucker." I turn to go kick his ass, but both Blitzo and Millie get in my way. "Alright, buddy. Turn around, go kill the bitch. Just copy and paste his face over a pair of tits, that'd be funny." Blitzo encourages. "It's becoming much easier to do so because it's clear baby dick doesn't even have a dick, he's just a pussy." I yell. "Do you want to get shot again, kid?" Moxxie yells back. I'm really ready to stick him six feet under with the target but Blitzo successfully coaxes me into going down to the house, inadvertently saving Moxxie's ass yet again.

As I arrive at the house, I slide through an open window. I'm a rather quiet sneaky son of a bitch but this floor is creaky as hell so I have to try to be silent. My efforts are rewarded with a less creaky carpet that allows me to move quieter and by extension, faster. However, I'm forced to quickly duck behind the counter as she turns around from washing dishes. I take a deep breath, hoping that she doesn't feel the need to look over. She doesn't. I'm right back on the move, moving slowly, and now crouching low. With her full focus on the dishes in front of her, she doesn't notice me, pulling out my razor, readying for the kill.

"And that is how you get the job done." I say to Moxxie, licking the blood off of my razor. "You're right. Good job, Exin." Moxxie says, slapping me on my back, making my body jerk suddenly enough to cut my tongue on the razor blade. I wince at the feeling of steel slicing my mouth open. The blood begins flowing quickly. "You motherfucker." I manage to utter as I attempt to keep the black liquid in my mouth. "Whoops. Sorry, kid." Moxxie 'apologizes'. "Don't call me kid, old man." I say, though it comes out weird sounding since it hurts to move my tongue. "Don't call me old man, kid." Moxxie retorts, as he and Millie step through the portal. I groan as I follow them through back to home sweet Hell.

I'm working on bandaging my tongue when Blitzo comes over to me. "Hey, Ex. Good job tonight. I could do without the you and Moxxie high school drama bullshit, but I really am proud of you. I know you're probably still upset about the whole, not celebrating your first kill with the company thing." Blitzo says. "Oh, no, Mr. Blitzo. It's cool, honestly." I say before I am cut off. "Okay, shut up, I wasn't finished. So, look. You wanna come with me and go get shit-faced and possibly have sex? With each other?" Blitzo asks. "That's a real phenomenal offer. And I'm not saying no, but, I probably should like, not use my tongue, for anything, and I'm still feeling the effects from the other night, and I think I'm just gonna call it a night." I say. "Oh, okay. That's cool. Actually, thinking about it, I gotta go take the book back to Stolas, so... Yeah. Alright, Ex, rest up, get your dick hard and your tongue ready to lick some ass by tomorrow, we're gonna be cracking down on late submissions and stuff." Blitzo says. "You got it. Goodnight, Mr. Blitzo." I say. "Yeah. Goodnight." Blitzo replies. I watch him head out the door, and resume bandaging my tongue. I head back out after I hear Moxxie and Millie leave, since I didn't want to hear them whine about things. Before I clock out, I stop in front of Loona's desk. "Hey, Loona, are you gonna stay here or head home?" I ask. "Eh. Probably gonna chill here." She answers. "Okay, cool. Can you lock up for me?" I request. "Eh. I'd say no, but I'm probably gonna end up doing it anyway, so, sure, I guess." Loona says. "Alright. Goodnight, Loona." I say. "Uh huh. Yeah." Loona utters as I leave the building. As I'm walking down the street, I can feel my tongue healing quickly. I'm about to whistle a tune when I feel myself getting shoved into the wall. I pull out my razor and swing at whoever it is. Big mistake, swinging blindly. The person grabs my arm, twists it around my back, and successfully wrestles the razor out of my hand, holding it up to my throat. The person speaks with a fake deep voice, indicating its a more feminine person.

"I wonder where the imps that bleed out in the street go?" They ask. "Dude, cut it with the fake deep voice. What are you, a serial killer or something?" I say, only to be answered with a jab in my neck. It fucking stings, and blood starts spurting out of the new open wound in my neck. "Hurts, doesn't it? Now you're gonna listen to me and you're gonna listen good. Where is my daughter?" The person drops the fake voice, and it's a female. However I'm confused because I haven't been within 100 feet of children in a few weeks. "What?" It sounds confusing because I am confused, and I'm not welcome when my question is answered with a razor blade jammed into my abdomen. However, the girl leaves it in me. "I said, where is my daughter-" the girl starts talking but with one swift backhand I take her to the ground. She scrambles back up but I'm already on my feet with the razor pointing at her. I manage to get a closer look at her, and I note the similarities, and put two and two together real quickly.

"Didn't I just kill you?" I ask. "Yes, you did. Now what did you do with my daughter?" She demands. I'm trying to put everything together because there was no evidence of a daughter anywhere in that house. She looks like she's about to pull something funny, so I reinforce the fact that I'm the one holding the blade.

"Okay, you have about 30 seconds to explain to me what the fuck is going on."