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2016
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"𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐎𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 it's like to die?
I thought I would finally be able to answer that question the afternoon of Bloody Halloween. But obviously, fates had decided otherwise.
Laying on the hard concrete of that abandoned car park, all feeling throughout my torso completely numbed out, I stared up at two sparrows playing in the sky.
It was all I focused on. If I paid much attention to all the screaming, crying, I might've perhaps allowed myself to let go to end the anguish I felt myself.
But I did feel Baji and Draken rip Mikey from my body. I also knew Kazutora was the one who was by my side to the end, as I was for him as well.
But that isn't the point. The point is, is that I was conscious for the majority of the ambulance ride.
I could first hear the doctors yelling about pain killers when I showed signs of being awake, and thereafter, I felt absolutely nothing.
I later found out what they gave me was opioids.
And for those few minutes, oh how amazing I felt. Like everything in the world wasn't even real.
The pain, the suffering, the responsibilities. They weren't real.
A smile was forever etched into my face until everything went completely black.
I didn't realise the carvings I had for just a moment of that feeling until a week after Emma's murder and Mikey disbanding Toman for good.
I was left with nothing. Anything that gave me a true reason to keep on going, was gone.
The truth was, was well I did still have almost everything. I still had my friends and family, a place to call home.
But I was at a point of all forms of blame. How could the world do this to me? What the fuck did I do so terribly wrong?
In Toman, I made a couple friends that had contacts with a few dealers around the area. And over time, and without really realising, I became hooked on the high.
It became my new tranquility in the ever growing sorrow and guilt.
I became the person that I always hated in others. I was selfish, mean and vile
[parent/guardian] kept the roof over my head, and that responsibility was then passed to [b/n]. I honestly didn't really care; at least I wasn't ever sober enough to understand the meaning of caring.
