i want to learn to fly // tommyinnit & timedeo

there are monsters everywhere i turn

Deo was doing research on therapy. Apparently, a lot of personal therapists disapproved of a client bringing someone else in with them, but there was a form of therapy session called a collateral session.

Obviously, Deo would have to ask Tommy, but it seemed like a useful thing. Perhaps it wouldn't even need to be a frequent thing– just if Tommy was uncomfortable and needed support. He just knew that Tommy would struggle to get started on his own. He wouldn't push to be part of the sessions at all, leaving it up to Tommy and the therapist, but he thought a situation similar to how a parent– y'know, the kind that Tommy never had– would attend sessions to check in could be nice.

A frequent problem cited, that Deo could definitely see, would be that people often alter their responses to things when friends or family are around. Deo could see Tommy doing that– but he also knew that he was just about the only person Tommy trusted. If anything, he felt Tommy would alter his responses to his therapist without Deo being there.

Deo knew that Tommy had a strong urge to make Deo think he was doing better than he was. But he also knew that Tommy saw Deo as some sort of all-knowing being, someone who could solve every problem that Tommy had if he tried hard enough. Deo knew that, despite feeling somewhat honored, that wasn't healthy. He felt a therapist examining that relationship would be particularly helpful.

Deo was mid-thought when a discord call flashed onto his screen. Badlinu. They didn't speak often, but it seemed like everyone was reaching out to Deo upon finding out that he had reached contact with Tommy again. A blessing and a curse, he supposed. His life was wildly altered in a very short time-period.

"Hey dude, what's up?"

"Tommy has an eating disorder, doesn't he?" Freddie sounded like he had been spiraling. Deo was less surprised than he thought he'd be– he found himself in a caretaker-like role more often than he thought was normal.

Deo mentally prepared himself briefly. This situation was nothing new to him. "...I don't think I'm the person you should be asking that, Freddie."

"So he does? God, fuck, I'm such a fucking idiot–"

"Calm down. What happened?"

"I have orthorexia, Deo. These things are– they're practically fucking contagious. I should've known better than to– fuck–"

"You can't blame yourself for that," said Deo, his voice steady and calm. Freddie's orthorexia was no surprise to Deo– he had a knack for spotting those who were struggling, he supposed. "There are so many factors when it comes to things like this. Even genetics play a part. Blaming yourself for something like that is blatantly ignoring the vast amount of things that can play a part in the development of an eating disorder."

Freddie made a noise reminiscent of a groan, clearly trying to process the fact that what Deo said was probably true. "...I just feel so shit. I didn't even fucking notice. I just– I got pissed at him for smoking because it wasn't healthy a year back, like–? I feel so tone deaf. The amount of stupid shit I've said and done around him–"

"Freddie. I chewed Wilbur out like, two days ago for negatively impacting Tommy's mental health. I am not afraid to do that in the slightest. You were struggling yourself and didn't realize what you were doing. You've already learned and grown– there's no need for further action on your part. You can't change the past– plus– plus, Tommy has like, zero habits pertaining to maintaining his health. You yelling at him for smoking once didn't make him obsess over his health."

Deo paused, taking a quick, deep breath. "What Tommy needs right now, is someone who he feels he can trust. Pressure to talk about things he isn't comfortable with saying is something... a lot of people have been doing lately. I'm not saying you have to do this as an apology or some shit, but if you want to help him, a simple message asking if he's been playing any interesting games lately could kick start something positive."

"Are you sure that– what if I say something that upsets him?"

"If you don't want to do it, then don't. This isn't an obligation. I honestly don't think you need to do anything, but it sounds to me like you have some guilt. If you think that helping Tommy could relieve the guilt you're feeling, I'm just saying– simple messages, open-ended enough for him to change the subject, relaxed topics, avoiding directly acknowledging anything related to his absences until he does– he doesn't think he can trust anyone because a lot of people he's worried about losing have been prodding. And if you don't think you need to relieve any guilt, if you're worried you could upset him, you're worried that talking to him about certain things could hurt your mental health–? Just opt out. It's fully your choice. Put yourself first. I'm just making sure that if you do contact him, you kinda get why he's been self-isolating."

Freddie sighed, sounding content, chuckling. "You're too good at this– this whole talking irrational people into rationality thing. I can see why he gets on so well with you."

"Can I be honest?"

"Sure."

"I feel like I'm not qualified to be talking him down from stuff. I'm not a professional, but everyone keeps acting like I'm the only one who can tame the wild beast. He's just a kid, man. A confused kid."

"You don't need to be. You're just a nice dude who has a general understanding of how people work, and that goes real far, 'specially to people who've been treated like shit their entire lives."

"Huh. Good to know, I guess. I'm gonna go now– call me if you need anything, Freddie."

"Will do. That's a promise."

Deo felt like he was not at all qualified for any of this. People kept telling him that he always knew what to say, but he felt like he was talking out of his ass constantly. Maybe it was imposter syndrome or maybe he was just some sort of idiot that was overly capable of faking his way through difficult situations. Who could tell?

He shook his head. It had been a while since he'd called Tommy– he needed to check in. He always did, since the day Tommy had called him– which wasn't that long ago, but god, it felt like it had been months– he called constantly, because there was a good chance that Tommy wouldn't. If he could hide, he would.

It rang out twice.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Deo."

"How are you, Tommy?"

"I'm okay, I guess," he muttered. Deo could tell that there wasn't much to update. Tommy was likely sleeping a lot, if Deo knew anything. Severe intake restriction didn't come without exhaustion.

"Just wanted to check-in. I know it's not easy, but you're not alone anymore." Self-isolation was Tommy's only friend for so long. That was finally changing.

"I need to– I have to go grocery shopping, don't I?"

"That's a good idea," agreed Deo. "But you could just order groceries."

Deo could hear something like excitement in Tommy's voice. "That's true! I've– I've been trying to... avoid going out, because... a lot of people recognize me and I think I look worse off in person."

Deo didn't quite know how to respond to that. He gave it his best shot. "I get that, Tommy. You'll get back on your feet soon. Just try not to be too hard on yourself."

"I practically have, like, being hard on yourself the disorder, Deo. That's kind of a difficult ask."

"I know, I know– just– try your best, I guess."

Tommy laughed. It wasn't strong or full, but it was a laugh. "I'll– I'll do my best, alright?" 

shorter chapter from yours truly. i started this one months ago(the earliest bits of this book span back to about a year ago, i have a ton of vent writing from earlier on in my eating disorder experience lmfao) and i knew i had to finish it off before i just gave up on it entirely. hope you enjoy <3