IF I CAN (NOT) BE YOURS

Chapter 12 - Now or Never

(ASUKA'S POV)

I kept staring at the blank ceiling, trying to decide whether I'd show up at Touji's house party or just stay away from everybody.

I feel like everyone is excited to leave high school and start a new chapter.

Well,  everyone except for me.

To be honest, the only thing I had considered after graduation is flying back to Germany. I believe I might still have a life back there. Then again, who am I kidding, right?
The only thing I've ever known is piloting. And now that there are no more Evas or Angels, what else am I here for?

There it is again. The never ending question of purpose and existence.

Misato has been really persistent that I stay in Japan and go to college. Like I haven't already.
Seriously.

At first, I thought that she just didn't want to be left alone again in this apartment. Adults are a   selfish bunch. But now that she's with Kaji again, I don't think she needs me to be around anymore.

So, what is exactly holding me back to leave this country?

Is it my own loneliness?

Could it be that I'm scared to live on my own?

Since when did I get scared of being alone? I always knew I had nothing to lose.

My heart throbbed as Shinji's face flashed in mind.

Of course. It started on the day when that idiot saved my life-- when he pulled me out of the depths with his mindless, crazy stunt - It was since he started cooking for me and Misato every day in this apartment- It was since we had our first kiss -- unforgettable, regrettable...  stupid kiss.

How dare him think I needed someone to save me when all I ever did was act tough. How dare him utter kind words to me when all I did was embarrass him in front of everybody.
And even more, to kiss me...?

Slowly, he has outgrown the sheepish boy that he once was. Meanwhile, the way I feel towards him has gradually changed too. What started out as a childish crush sprouted into something warm and vulnerable. A feeling I've never felt with anyone before.

I remember leaving his apartment after our passionate moment.
I couldn't bear the thought that the impenetrable 'Walls of Jericho' has been exposed and brought to shambles in front of him.
I wanted to hide how vulnerable I was at that moment.
But as soon as I entered this room- which I thought was my fortress, I immediately felt desperate to hurry back to his arms again.

I drew a deep breath to ease my heart from this avalanche of emotions.

I turned to my side, trying to shake off his image from my mind.

What am I going to do with him?

He started ignoring me. He wouldn't even glance my way. And I know I shouldn't give a damn because it was just...

sex.

... was it?

If so, then why do I long for his gaze?

Why do I desire his touch?

Why do I miss his affection?

I must be losing it.

My door slowly opens. The familiar scent of Misato's perfume brought some comfort to me.

"Asuka?"

I turned to see her looking rather amazing in her black silk dress.

"Well, aren't you a total babe?" She blushed and smiled a little.

"That means a lot coming from miss perfect and total babe herself."