IF I CAN (NOT) BE YOURS

Chapter 6 - Secret Kiss

( ASUKA'S POV)

I watch him hold his can of Nukes and drink it to his lips. He looked attractive in his manly behavior and I had to blink away to make sure I'm not betraying myself again with pink cheeks.

He described to me, in a few words, how much he had to adjust himself with during the past year of living on his own.

"At least you know how to cook." I emphasized.

"That's the only easy part. I had to work in my free time to make sure I get those grocery and bills paid."

"It's a fun way to beat yourself up, if you ask me."

"When you think of it that way, I guess you're right. But I like it this way now. It all feels..."

It all feels what? This is it. I waited on his conclusion like a dry ground waiting for the first drop of rain.

"Real."

His eyes fixed on his beer. They seem to be mesmerized by it.

No, not by it, but rather by the thought of what he said.

"R-real?"

He lifted his eyes on me and nodded.

"Yes."

Real. He wants to feel alive. I couldn't blame him. After everything we've been through- the battles, traumas, physical pain and emotional roller-coaster, even I wake up each morning asking myself if all of this is real. Was it all just a fucked up nightmare? Or did I just walked into some shit-hole again?

"Fine. I get it."

I finally get it. This is all just a form of validation for self-existence. He didn't leave the apartment so he could get away from the past. He didn't leave because he hates me. He just wants to make sure that he is existing in the now; that all of this is real; That everything is worth the shot of a new beginning. I smiled to myself. It was the relief I have kept from myself for the past year.

I shook my head. This is my fourth Nukes and I know I have to stop drinking soon or I'll begin to throw up. I have to admit, I'm not an expert like Mari or Misato in drinking- and I'll probably never going to be- but with this drinking session going on, I think, I could survive a longer conversation with him without resorting to being mean.

"Your laptop is fixed by the way." He smiled at me the way he always does. His warm gaze caught me off guard and I felt like I was beginning to melt inside. I cleared my throat to get rid of my inner tension.

"Good." I took another sip of cold Nukes. Then, I felt it.

This is bad.

I knew it was going to happen but I didn't know it will be this soon.

"Excuse me."

The beer is coming up from my belly. I have to throw up. I stood up and did my best to walk straight to the washroom, even though everything feels like it's moving around me.

I was almost near the kitchen sink when I lost balance and lean on my side. I grabbed onto anything within my reach and that was when I felt a hand caught my weight and supported me to stand. The lights are out in the kitchen, but the gleam of the living room's moodlight helped me to recognize Shinji. His face looked a bit worried.

"Here."

He adjusted his position so he could help me walk slowly to the washroom. I'm really not in the moment to act tough because everything is just spinning right now. Slowly, but still, spinning.

"Take your time."

I went inside and did my business. That was a whole can of barf if I'm not mistaken.