Close Distance

1. Past memories

As far as I can remember,my childhood seem to be a bit odd. My parents never really had time for me and neither did my familiars.

???:"Mom! Look what I did!"

???:"Yeah,yeah. Go to your room and play with your toys,mom is busy now"

It wasn't any different with my grandparents.
My grand father was an alcoholic and my grandmother was a dramatic woman.
Even though my grandfather was an alcohlic,he was the only one I got along with. He often took me out to bars and buyed me a soda and even let take sips of alcoholic just because I wanted to try it. He might have been a bit cateless but after all,his stories always catched my attention.
He often talked about his childhood,stories from books,imaginary stories and much more things that I can't really remember. My grandmother on the other hand showed me affection through money and things,she was mostly in Italy and each time she came,she would have argued with my mom. I still remember that one time when she called my grandfather a drunk pig and they started arguing right in front of me. I can't say that I'm traumatized but I was always in the middle of arguments or even the reason someone argued. I kind of felt useless and unwanted.

???:"Maybe if you would have stopped drinking like a pig,he would have learned something from you! ALL YOU DO IS GO TO BARS AND SLEEP! DON'T YOU EVER THINK ABOUT YOUR GRANDCHILD?"

???:"Shut up. Can't you see that the child is right in front of you? What are you teaching him by yelling and insulting me? You're the bad influence!"

I would have listen to this kind of fights each time my grandmother came home.

Around the age of 5,my parents made my sister. She did seem a bit weird to me but I didn't actually mind it till some years later when I realized that she was getting away with many things I never got away with. If I would have done what she've done,I would have got lectured and slapped. But if I cried while my mom yelled at me, she would have said 'stop crying or I'll give you a reason to!'. If I was crying in public my mom would have told me 'stop crying,you're emberressing me'.
My sister never got that kind of treatment and I started to feel jealous of that. I developed some kind of anger issues as years passed.

At the age of 7,I thought dying was fun so I used to lay on the street but my friends would have pulled me out of the way when cars were coming or I would have tried to jump out the window but again,my friend would have stopped me.
I was careless and always walked in front of cars,not fearing death.
I had extreme anger issues as a child and being the leader of a group of friends was weird. I used to be a bit mean or even violent at anger. When someone slapped me,I would have punched them in the stomach. I was never able to control my laugh so I used to laugh after hitting someone back.
I was actually a wild and very energic kid that loved animals. But,life can't be perfect and you know hoe life is. Evem though I looked like the happiest kid ever,I was not. My friends were a bit manipulatic and threatened me with telling my secrets and insecurities to others if I didn't do things. I didn't mind that behavior back then because they were my only friends and I didn't wanted to lose them. So,I've put myself on the last place.

My parents were a bit different from each other. My mom used to put me to do a lot of work after school and even extra testes because she thought I was a 'gifted kid'. I was stressed since a young age. My dad was different. He had anger isues but still nice to me....Except sometimes when he would have hit me or lecture me just because I said some words. Every conversation we had turned intu a lecture.

My mom and aunt used to tell me to not put too much love and emotions into relationship and when they end,I should pass by it with no regret or sadness.
She also used to tell me that I shouldn't cry,I shouldn't get angry at my age,I shouldn't be afraid cause it makes me weak and that being to happy will make me seem like a little kid.

I actually hated being forced under submission but I knew that fighting back will mean that they'll yell at me or hit me or even call me ungreatful.
I slowly started to listen to my brain and not my heart because I thought the heart doesn't know how to choose.

Some years later my friend left me because I was too *childish* for them.
For an year or two I had social anxiety and In 7th grade I was giving many signs of being ill but everyone said I was just being lazy. It actually made me question myself a lot.

Life might not be fair sometimes. As in my casa,I was a lucky person. Always winning at games,avoiding death without even trying,getting good grades without even learning sometimes,it was perfect! Finally my life was having a good start!

Well,that might be something everyone would want to hear but the truth is that I started feeling empty. Like something was missing,like someone have been unfairly stolen from me. I started becoming jealoud or everyone that felt better than me. Along with that,I developed bigger anger issues. Each time my sister didn't played fairlt at a game,I wouls have slammed the cards on the table and leave angrily,not getting out of my room till I calmed down.
I was quite unstable and full of wants. I was maybe a narcissist. A lowkey narcissist. Yeah,that felt relatable!

When I started highschool,I started to be more outgoing,making new friends,having a big friend group,doing better at school. Everything was gettin fixed and it was good.
I actually loved it being there! Having people around me that didn't judged me by my style,favorite things,interests,hobbies and taste in music. Even better,they find it kind of relatable!

Even though I felt amazing,there was one thing that bother me. A student who seem to kind of stalk me. Maybe he just had the same way home or maybe he just liked the same shops or just coincidence. But almost everyday?,Same hour?,Same place? This must have been stalking. All I knew about him was that his name was Souta and that he was bisexual.

It's kind of weird to know that a guy might have a crush on me,even though I'm not sure. I'm strsight and I can't just give in to a bisexual guy!