Without You (Steddie)

Prologue

A/N; I got this idea, and decided I needed to run with it. It's a little outside of my comfort zone, but I need to write it down. As always, keep an eye on the trigger warning section at the top of each chapter because I love you and don't want you reading something that's going to hurt you. 

TW;  trauma, drug use, alcohol use, depression, suicidal tendencies 

I loved him, you know? Like... I guess I should have told him a long time ago. I should have told him that night in the woods when he was trying to save mine and Nance's relationship. Like 'Hey man no. I don't love her. I love you.' But I didn't, because I was scared. I was scared he was going to reject me, laugh in my face and take it as a joke. It's not a fucking joke anymore. 

I haven't been the same since he left. 

Everyone knows. They all can see it. It's not like I hide it well. I've isolated myself nearly completely. I don't let anyone come over anymore. Robin calls me once a week and sees if I need anything. But I'm mostly surviving on whiskey and cigarettes. How long can someone live on vices alone? She brings me groceries every so often. Nothing heavy. No meat. Smoothies, peanut butter and bread. 

Eddie's been gone for 6 months now. 

Time ticks by slowly. It's not the same. 

I can still hear his voice sometimes in my head. Robin says I'm in some sort of psychosis, but does that really matter? Aren't we all fucked up after everything that's happened? 

I've known him since the first day of 6th grade. He really was my only friend until 8th grade when all the girls started to notice me, and not him. I got popular, my parents pushed me to do sports. Eddie had no interest in girls, or sports. He wanted to read, play games, ride skateboards. We grew apart over time, until the day I came crashing back into his life and he threatened mine. 

I realized what I should have a long time ago, the more time I spent with him. I was stupid and selfish and young. He acted as if we had no history at all. Like I didn't spend weekends at his Uncle's house with him. Like I didn't know the reason he had to shave his head was because he fell asleep while chewing nearly a whole pack of Big League Chew. Like we didn't used to call each other in the middle of the night just to talk to someone because we were lonely. 

And now he's fucking gone, so what can I do?

Drink, snort, smoke, anything and everything I can to forget. To numb. To be able to get through the daily fucking struggle of what life is minus Eddie Munson. I had him back for a moment so brief, and I will regret every day until I die not telling him how much he means to me.