Its monday night and Im sitting in the middle of the floor, crying as im staring at a blank sheet of journal paper. I dont know what my mother, father and best friend Kyah see in me. Im just that "bleached" girl. Thats my nickname at school. Now i just want to end it all. I cried as i wrote another one of my suicide notes. I always write them. I juss cant never bring myself to do what i say that im going to do. I always think that im going to either hang myself or O.D. No im not suicidal. I just want to end my pain that i go thru everyday. Then i think of Kyah. My bff. She exepts me for me. Skin Condition and all. I think of what life would be like without me. No body cares. I stop crying and put the note with all of the others in my closet. When i actually do bring myself to do it, ill leave out all of the notes when i do.
My full name is Anissa Royal Thomas. I dont know where my mother and father got my middle name from. Im clearly not royalty. I hate myself. Im all african american. Im 5"4 and a size 6 in juniors in pants and B cup in my chest. I guess you would say im the average size. I live in the ghetto of Compton California in a small 3 story house. It might seem big but its connected to another house. Kyah says that i have shoe game and that i can dress but none of that takes away my pain. Im an only child. My parents said after they had me, they wanted no more. One problem is better than two or more right? They say they love me and they clearly show it. I just dont think they understand. I never had a boyfriend cause all the males thought i was ugly since i have two different pigments of skin color. And my hair is long. Kinda. It goes to my mid back. I wanna cut it but Kyah says i shouldnt. Kyah lives 3 houses down. We met in 3rd grade on the bus when i sat next to her. Kyah is more privlaged than me. She can get a new phone whenever. She has her own car. Its a impala. And she has an older brother. But he's like 22 and out the house.
Flashback
"Hey im Anissa whats your name?"
"Im Ma'Kyah but my family calls me Kyah. Wanna be best friends?" She asked me.
(Sidebar: i swear it was so easy to make friends in Elementary school. Nowadays you cant call everybody yo friend.)
"Sure BestFriend".
End of flashback.
9 years later, we still best friends. Of course we had our arguments but what girl and her bestfriend dont? I love Kyah too much. Every time i think about killing myself, i always think of good memories with Kyah. And there is enough to stop me from trying to kill myself forever.
Now its 11:30 and i should get to doing my nightly routine. Tomorrow is the last day of school and im a senior. I cant believe how fast the year has gone by. But i surely wont miss it. Im the Valadictorian (however you spell it. Lhh). I dont have a speech prepaired. Im just gonna wing it. They cant do anythang cause im leaving.
The next day
I woke up at 7:45. I gotta be at school by 8:30. I rose up outta my bed to the sound of Jhene Aiko's voice. My alarm was Bed Peace By Jhene Aiko and Childish Gambino. I brushed my teeth and took care of whatever i needed to do in the Bathroom. I picked out a pair of gray sweatpants, i wife beater that was saggy at the sides, and a all white pair of Air Force 1 nikes. I put my curly natural hair in a messy bun. I made sure i shaved under my arms last night cause i planned on wearing this. Others might try to go all out on their outfits for the last day of school. Me....i just dont care. I just want to be comfy. I put on my crossover bag, went downstairs to see that my parents were gone once again. I got a honey bun and a Capri Sun. I made sure my phone, keys, I.D, Money, charger, and food was in my bag and walked over to Kyah's house. Her moms answered the door.
"Heyy Mama how you been? I aint see you last time i came over." I said to her.
"I know Nissa. I juss been busy at work." She works at a factory. But the pay there is really good. Im gonna see if she can get me a job there so i can move out and provide for myself.
"Kyah's up in her room". She said to me.
"Thanks mama."
I walked up to her room to see her in a white t-shirt, camo Capri's, forces like mines, pearl ear rings, and the same crossover i was wearing. We got them matching from Charming Charlies.
"Heyy NissaBoo. You ready to go to this death hole we call a school?" She asked me.
This is why i love Kyah. She always knows how to liven things up with her Humor.
"Yeaa girl."
"Nissa can i ask you sum?" She asked.
"Shoot".
"Did you try to commit suicide last night again, cause after i signed off on the phone when we were talking, our phones must not have hung up. I heard you crying in the background and a pen scraping paper. Cause you know when youre sad or mad you get to writing real hard and scraping the paper."
"Yeah Kyah. Ima be honest. No use in lying to you. You know me too well."
"Awwnn Nissaaa. Dont. I love you too much for that. I couldnt imagine my life without you. You are my other half, my rock, my sister, my reason i wake up in the morning, my rider. I love you and you bet not forget that or ima have to slap you." She said laughing.
"Ohkk Ky. Ima try not to. Ima try my best for you cause i love you too. But one question."
"Shoot".
"Can i drive the car?"
"For you and only you NissaBoo."
"YAAAAYYYY" I screamed running down the stairs.
Girl you better stop allat yelling in my dog on house fo i have to whoop yo behind." Mama said.
"Alright mama." I said and we left off to school.
At school
We were in math class sitting and watching a movie. We havin a half day today. I started playing a game on my old, outdated IPhone 4s. While Kyah has a IPhone 6 Plus. I was in the middle of temple run when somebody i thought was Kyah snatched my phone.
"Kyah you crazy heffa. Why you take my phone? You know thats my baby. Ima beat yo behind once school gets out." I said without looking up.
"This aint Ma'Kyah. This Marcus." He said while looking at my face. Marcus is the most popular dude in my grade. He has made fun of me since day 1. He always bragging about what he got. He got this and that but yet gets free lunch with all the new jordans and designers he wearin. You can tell Marcus stays in trouble. Always in the principle office. He aint goin anywhere in life and if he does go anywhere in life it would be either 6 feet under or out on the corner sellin dope. Juss like his pops. He dad is a big time drug dealer. But i try to stay away from allat mess. A drug dealing dude means nun to me just as long as i aint doing them drugs he sellin im good.
"Marcus. I have no time for this today. Please give me my phone back." I want to be polite cause i dont wanna have to embarrass this dude.
"AYE YALL. I GOT BLEACHED GIRL PHONE. IT RIGGHHTT HERE. IN MY HAND." He said shouting out to the whole class.
"Marcus". I said while standing up onto my chair. "Gimme my phone back. I said please and im trying to be polite. And since you pick on me everyday, lemme ask this one question. Why you pick on me? Is it cause i look different? You must think im stupid cause i do wake up in the morning and see this stuff on my face and body. But i dont need to have anyone telling me what i already know. So gimme me sh-- stuff fore i have to embarrass you."
"Ooh bleached girl got sum to say. Say what you got to say lil bit." He said
"AYE YALL! MARCUS DAVIS THIS NEGRO RIGHT HERE, GETS FREE LUNCH AND BREAKFAST AT SCHOOL EVERYDAY". Then everybody got to buggin up in the classroom. Even the teacher and Kyah. I snatched my phone back and ran out of the classroom into the hallway. I went into other classrooms saying "MARCUS DAVIS GETS FREE LUNCH ND BREAKFAST EVERYDAY AT SCHOOL". I didnt get in trouble anyways. Today was a good day cause i finally stood up for myself
