The L Word (phan short story)

chapter 5

( I made myself cry when I wrote this.)

Should I be thinking about my girlfriend? Probably. But I'm not. All I can think about is Phil and his smile and laugh and eyes- damnit Dan. I picked up my phone to text Phil.

Me: hey :) this is Dan

I sent the text and almost instantly I got a reply. My heart skipped a bit.

Phil: Hi Mate!
Me: how are you?
Phil: I'm good how are you?
Me: i'm okay.
Phil: Why just okay?
Me: nah it's stupid, we just met, i'm not gonna dump my shit on you

Therapy wouldn't start for another month so until then, I'm not going to be better than 'okay'

Phil: Alright. But you can tell me when you're ready :))

That Saturday night me and phil texted for 4 hours. We talked about movies, animes, TV shows, countries, concerts, music, bands- Phil and I had so much in common. I never have had so much in common with a friend.

When Phil went to bed at now 2:00am, I hugged my phone to my chest and sighed with relief.

The next day I told Kate we could watch a movie at my place and that my family wouldn't be home. I didn't realize how much that implied us having sex until she arrived insanely horny.

"erm.. Kate?" I shifted as Kate rubbed her hands through my hair. She ignored me and kissed my neck. She made her way up my jaw and then reached my lips. I felt uncomfortable and scared. She slammed her lips into mine and began lifting up my shirt, "I love you" Kate kept mumbling as she kissed me. I got chills down my spine. She then reached for the button on my pants when I quickly pulled away,

"I can't." I gently pushed her off of me. "What?" She looked confused. "Kate. I can't sleep with you." I said nervously. "Why not? Don't you love me?" Kate pouted. "I-I- Kate I was just raped. A w-w-week ago. Do you not get that? Does anyone get that?! I'm not ready f-for this." I stuttered. "Why do you always fucking dodge that?!" Kate shouted, scaring the shit out of me. "Huh?" I looked at her confused. "I always say I love you and you never say it back! And when I ask if you love me, you dodge it! Daniel I want answers" Kate was practically screaming.

"I DONT HAVE ANSWERS!" I cried out. I started sobbing. "DAMNIT KATE, IM SORRY! IM SORRY OKAY?! IM SORRY THAT I TAKE THE WORD LOVE MORE SERIOUSLY THAN YOU!" I was wet from my own tears by then.

"BULLSHIT" Kate screamed at me. "YOU KNOW WHAT KATE? IM SORRY IVE GOT FUCKING TRUST ISSUES. LOVE IS A BIG WORD. AND YOU KNOW WHAT MY DAD WOULD SAY TO US AS KIDS? I LOVE YOU. AND WHERE IS HE NOW KATE? GONE. IM SCARED OF AN EMPTY LOVE. I DONT WANT TO WAIST MY LOVE. I DONT WANT TO LEAVE YOU WITH AN EMPTY LOVE" I could barely talk I was crying so hard. Kate started crying also.

"Dan-" Kate tried to talk but I interrupted again. "LOVE IS A BIG WORD. THE WORD LOVE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE WORD FUCK. what do we refer the word fuck as Kate?"

"The f word.." Kate was blubbering almost as bad as I was. "THEN DO YOU KNOW WHAT I REFER THE WORD LOVE AS?!" I yelled. Kate just continued crying. "I'm sorry Dan" Kate pleaded. "Get out of my house" I said choking up. she hurried out.

I grabbed anything non-breakable off the shelving in the living room and just threw it at the ground. "DAMNIT" I yelled crying in the middle of the living room floor.

I squeezed my head with my hands and shut my eyes tight. "you are such a goddamn failure....you are such a goddamn failure....you are such a goddamn failure" I cried to myself. "WHY DONT YOU JUST FUCKING LEAVE?" I screamed at myself.

I ran into my room to grab some sleeping pills. I was about end it when my phone dinged;

Phil: I'm super excited to see you tomorrow!

I threw the pills on the floor and sat down on my bed. I buried my face in my knees and took deep breaths.