[byler] fight or flight

2. Will.

I've finally ripped off the Band-Aid.

Please, oh God, don't let him notice.

I squeeze my eyes as hard as I possibly can because tears are fighting to run over my face and I really can't make it worse now. Closing my mouth shut with my hand to not start sobbing, I start overthinking everything that I've said in the last few minutes. 

Oh, I said way too many things I should not have said. I'm stupid, so stupid. The heart. The heart? Why would I say that? He's probably cringing at me, oh my god. And I made it way too obvious, I could've just said "So yeah, I need you, Mike, and I always will", and I wouldn't have changed anything.

And what if he's noticed? What is he gonna think about me? For fuck's sake, we had just fixed our problems and I had to burst out like this. 

I'm starting to regret having shown him the painting, starting to regret even painting it. I started painting it the exact same day he confirmed he was coming to Cali for spring break. I thought I'd just give it to him the exact moment I saw him for the first time in, like, half a year. But it was all so, so awkward.

He didn't care about seeing me, all he wanted was to see El, my sister, and his girlfriend, they ran into each other's arms, and I waited patiently till they were finished. I thought that Mike, my best friend since kindergarten, would at least hug me. At least.

But he even avoided eye contact as he rejected the hug I went for. I almost didn't feel the fast, weird pat on the back he gave me, I was too busy sinking in an endless pool of darkness. 

The painting was right there in my hands, all I had to do was to hand it to him, but I felt so weak. And I somehow knew that having El with him, he'd just stare at the painting for a few seconds and then discard it. But after saying hi to Jonathan, he asked me about it.

"Hey, what's that?"

"Uh, it-it's nothing... just this painting I've been working on."

"Cool"

He even forgot it was my birthday, and I can't blame El for forgetting, I think she didn't even know. But him... he's been in each one of my birthdays since we were kids, I can't understand why he forgot. Maybe he was way too excited about seeing El.

And now here I am, crying like a fucking baby right next to him. And a part of me wants Mike to notice, wants him to ask me what's wrong. But I know I could never handle that right now.

We spend a whole hour silent again, while Jonathan and Argyle argue in the front seat about the reason why both zebras and tigers have stripes. It actually seems like a pretty cool conversation. Sometimes, I wonder if Jonathan would notice if I stole a small bit of his Purple Palm Tree Delight. Maybe I should just wait till one day he's high enough to just randomly offer me some of it. Bet it's nice to get things off your mind for a while.

Mike checks the map again, and gasps. 

"Guys?"

"Yeah?"

"We're just fifteen minutes away from Nina."

"Great, and we're out of gasoline".

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Hey, language," Argyle says.

"No, I'm not".

"What are we gonna do then?"

I check the map.

"Well, the nearest gas station is just a minute away so..."

"Ok, we can keep going for a minute."