[byler] fight or flight

5. Will (II)

Somehow, Jonathan convinced the employee at the pizzeria to leave -I think Purple Palm Tree Delight had to do something with it- and now we have this place all for ourselves.

 Argyle wasn't wrong when he said this was a magical place for my sister to piggyback. We emptied a pizza dough freezer, and now, Jonathan and I are filling it with salt, while Argyle makes dinner, and Mike and El are sitting at a table, trying to make lightproof glasses out of a pizza box.

He's wearing them and I hear him joking, as she smiles weakly. And I wonder, what could've happened if Jonathan didn't open the back door when we were alone in the van? And what would that make me? 

They're holding hands on the table. El is not smiling anymore, she looks rather concerned as she speaks to him, in that soft voice of hers that's calmed me down through so many panic attacks in the dark of my room. 

I can't hear what they're talking about, and I'm not sure if I want to know. Watching her just makes me feel even guiltier about my feelings for him, and about what I was about to do, in the back of the van.

But was it just me?

"Surf's up, Romeo!" announced Argyle, slamming a freshly baked pizza on the table. 

"What is this, fruit on pizza?

"It's good," said El, taking a bite of hers and nodding enthusiastically. 

"It's good? What do you mean it's good? THAT'S INSANE, THAT'S BLASPHEMOUS! Putting fruit on pizza?"

"Really good" she continued. "Did you try it?"

"No, I haven't tried it. Obviously didn't... STOP! I'm NOT..." he protested. Argyle held him down and while El tried to make Mike take a bite off the pizza, I felt unable to watch them anymore, and turned to the dissolving salt in the pizza dough freezer.

Jonathan stopped stirring the water. "Do you remember that time you told me you had a Lego stuck up your nose?"

"What".

"Yeah, like it was like a... like a construction guy. You called him Larry."

I just stare at him, astonished. Is he still high? "Oh come on, you don't remember? He had like the high viz jacket and the removable hat?"

"Yeah. Vaguely".

"Well, I remember it like it was yesterday. Man, I was... I was freaked. Cause... cause, cause this Larry... I mean Larry was way, way up there. I don't even know how you got him that far up. I had to do surgery, I had... I had to get Tweezers to pull him out."

There is no way I had a Lego figure stuck up my nose "Bull".

"No, no, no. I swear on my life" he said, and we got back to work for a few seconds. "I don't know, I just... I feel like you used to come for me more for help."

Oh, I know where this is going. Suddenly, I can't keep eye contact. "Or to just talk, you know. Cause, like, you don't do that anymore. Not like before. A lot of that is probably my fault. This last year... I know I've been distant".

"Or stoned", I add.

"Or stoned. Yeah. But that has nothing to do with you. And that's me dealing with my own shit, and hiding from my own problems. The truth is... I miss talking to you. I, like, really miss it. And I think, right now, we need to talk more than ever. Because things are getting just complicated, right? A lot more complicated than Legos up the nose, you know? I just... I don't want you to forget that I'm here. And I'll always be here. No matter what."

Tears are rushing to my eyes, and I can't fight them back. Because I know I needed this. I needed him to tell me that he's here for me. Because I've felt so lonely, so lost, and having Jonathan here, telling me he wants me to talk to him, is all I need, right now. 

"Because you're my brother, and I love you. And there is nothing in this world, okay, absolutely nothing, that will ever change that. You got that?"

He knows. "Yeah... Yeah," Words get lost in the tip of my tongue, as I try to control  my voice. But, finally, who cares? It's him, it's my brother, Jonathan. "And I'm always... here for you too."

"I know. I know  you are. Come here".

And I finally break down and start sobbing, as my brother wraps me in his arms, in a warm, protective hug. I bury my head in his shoulder, and I feel complete. 

"It's gonna be okay, yeah?"

"Yeah."

He nodded and looked at the freezer.

"I think it's ready."

***********

Well hello there.

It's been really long since the last time I updated and I'm really sorry. Long time, short chapter. Anyways, I updated.

Someone give Jonathan a fucking medal for being the best brother ever.