[byler] fight or flight

8. Mike

The only thing that could be heard in the van, apart from the sound of the tires against the desert dirt, was Jonathan's snoring in the front seat. It was 2 AM, maybe even later. My watch got soaked when I pulled Jane out of the freezer.

Will was asleep, his head resting on Jane's lap. She was sleeping too. They irradiated peace.

I had been trying to get some sleep since we first got into the van, but my mind decided to be in overdrive. So much stuff happened in the last two hours, and my brain was still trying to assimilate it. It all happened so fast, you know?

I tried to recall everything I told Jane, and the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that it was not real at all.

And that was terrifying me.

I told her I was in love with her, I told her I loved her since I first saw her, and that the reason why I never said it was because I was afraid to lose her.

That was such bullshit.

I never told her because it just didn't feel right. I love you. Three simple words, but they had consequences. And I am afraid of them.

And every time I sat and thought about why I was afraid to tell my girlfriend that I loved her, I'd brush it off, telling myself that it was normal because that was just my first relationship and love was just a complicated feeling, and what could be more complicated than my relationship with Jane?

I thought that everything would go back to normal after I said it. Cause I said it like what, 9 times? But I just made it worse. I mean, sure, Jane fought, and Max survived, barely, but it doesn't feel right. After telling my girlfriend that I loved her, I never expected this to be what I'd feel.

Emptiness.

And I never expected Will to be in the back of my mind while I was saying "I love you" for the first time.

I felt dirty, I felt like a liar, and that was overwhelming me.

"Hey there, brochachos," said Argyle, peeking from the driver's seat. "Imma play some rad music, else I'm gonna fall asleep and we're all going to crash and die".

"That's fine for me, but they're asleep".

"I'll try not to wake Supergirl and Supergirl's brother up" he replies, before turning the radio on.

I rested my head against the back of his seat, closing my eyes. Maybe music would help me clear my head and make the voices in it shut the hell up.

"Stop (stop) my head is playing tricks again, won't it ever stop.
Baby, help me listen to my heart
And then take me to the top.
I'm afraid of love, so afraid of love."

'Carry me away', by Rick Springfield. Of course. Life is making fun of me.

And I'm scared to make it right

But I know tonight, that it's my last chance

My last shot at real love and I wanna take it.

I want to tell Argyle to turn the goddamn music off because that's the last thing I want to listen to right now, but he's humming and tapping on the steering wheel to the rhythm and I kinda feel bad for him.

And I wanna make it tonight
You're gonna show what love is and why
Between the sweat and the lovin'
The whisper and the cry

I've always hated crying. Every time I'd feel the tears welling up in my eyes, I'd pinch myself until they disappeared, or I'd cover my ears and block everything out, and I have been doing that since I was thirteen.