Shame On You! (Remdy)

8

Trigger Warning: Depression, suicide mentions, self-harm

For a few minutes, while Andy drove and Remington sat in the passenger seat, neither of them spoke. Remington watched Andy's hands move, watched the dark road, gave his attention to anything but the way that his relationship had fallen apart and that he had quite literally just been saved by possibly the busiest man he'd ever met.

"Thanks," he mumbled finally. 

Glancing in the younger direction, Andy hummed. "Anytime."

"Sorry I cried all over you."

"Don't be silly, you can cry all over me anytime."

"And sorry for ruining your night."

"Honey," Andy started. "Rescuing you is more important than anything else I would've done tonight."

"You didn't rescue me. I wasn't in danger."

"You told me you were, and I quote, 'going away'."

Remington sighed.

"And just so you know, there's never anything to be ashamed about. It's okay to be depressed, it's okay to feel like you have to kill yourself to get away from it. But as your best friend, I have a duty to protect you."

"I'm not ashamed. I just...he is."

Glancing at him again, Andy frowned. "Oliver? Why, what did he say?"

"Nothing."

"Mhm."

"He didn't say anything in particular, he just didn't hug me or ask how I was or want me using his razor to cut myself."

"He what?"

Remington almost smiled. "Y'know, I just don't think he understands, because he doesn't deal with any of this. Why should he, anyway? It's not like I even understand it properly, so why on earth should he?"

Loudly, Andy said, "Bullshit." Then softer, "That's never an excuse to not help. And don't you try to defend the man who actively didn't comfort you while he knew you were hurting yourself."

"It's fine, Andy. I'm fine."

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Andy hummed.

"Really. I am."

"Honey, my darling, my precious little flower, my-"

"Yes, yes, get to the point." 

"You've never been able to lie to me before, and you still can't do it now. So talk to me. What happened?"

Remington rooted through the glove box where he knew Andy always kept a tin of hardboiled sweets. He offered one to the man. "I don't know. Moving in with him was a lot. There was so much I had to adjust to, you know, even with things like where to put all my shoes. It was - it is hard to try and feel like I'm home when I don't know where the spare towels go or how to change the temperature on the shower. I swear to god, he has the most fucking confusing shower in the fucking world."

"I can imagine."

"Anyway, I asked him to not leave razors out because when the temptation is there, well, you know what happens."

"Sure."

"He said he would put them away, but he didn't. And when I told him I was cutting myself, he basically said I can do what I want. I asked for help and he said he didn't know how to help and that he's 'not the hugging type'. And I get that, I understand not wanting to hug people all the time. But I don't understand how he could say that when I was fucking asking him because I knew I needed comfort or I'd start thinking about suicide again."

"Wow, okay."

"Then he walked in on me doing it in the shower and all he said was that he needed the shower and that if I wanted to keep cutting myself, I should use my own razor and that I was childish and whatever."

"Seriously?"

"I kept asking him for a hug and he just...wouldn't. And I just-I felt like I was fucking all alone and that he didn't even care that I was fucking cutting myself every day. And it's like, if my own boyfriend doesn't even wanna hug  me, what the hell did that say about me? Like, am I not worthy of a hug?"

"You're absolutely worthy of many hugs. I'm sorry he put you through that."

Remington crunched the sweet between his teeth. "Anyway, thanks for coming to get me. I really needed to get out of that place. And thanks for hugging me even though I'm fucking gross and haven't taken these clothes off for, like, a week."

"I'm glad I could help. You're not supposed to crunch them."

"Fuck the system."

Andy chuckled.

"Sorry for ignoring you for so long."

"It's okay, don't worry about it. I'm pulling into the twenty-four hour Costa, you want anything?"

"Whichever drink has the most sugar and cream in it. And a chocolate muffin. Please. Thanks."

"You got it." Turning into the carpark, Andy stopped near the entrance and opened his door, said, "Won't be long," and began for the building.

While he was gone, Remington let his fingers find the wounds on his arm, beneath his sleeve, rubbing them and considering all Oliver had said. The realisation of being cheated on seemed again to punch him, and he brought his hands to his face, blinked hard, frustrated by his leaking eyes.

By the time Andy returned, Remington was crying steadily, lifted his head at the sound of the door opening. He held his hands out for the drink and the muffin, said through tears, "Thanks. You're the best."

Sitting down and pulling the door closed, Andy gave a gentle smile. "I know I am."

"Piss off." He wiped the back of his hand across his face. "Andy, in theory, would you cheat on someone?"

"What?"

"Would you cheat on someone?"

"No, of course not. People who do that are scum. Why? Has he also cheated on you, on top of everything else?"

Remington sipped the drink as the engine started up. "Mhm."

"Do you want me to skin him alive?"

"Tempting."

"Seriously though, what a fucking piece of shit."

"Mhm."

Andy pulled out onto the road. "God, I'm just...I'm so sorry you've been dealing with all of this on your own without even a hug. No one should be made to believe that nobody cares and I'm sorry it took me so long to come to you. You should call your brothers tomorrow, by the way. They've been worried about you. Give me a sip of that."

"It's mine though," complained the younger while passing it across. "Now your germs are all over it."

Chuckling, Andy playfully pushed the drink away. 

"Can I stay with you for a bit? If you're not too busy-" 

Cutting him off, Andy said, "Duh, of course. As long as you like." 

"Andy, you know you're the best person I've ever met, right?"