Frank's pov
Do you ever feel that pain that is hot in your blood? That lies under your bones and digs into your soul. Do you ever feel pain that is like a thousand red-hot blades pressed against your skin? And all you can do it scream to let it out, knowing the enemy will win.
That's was grief feels like. It's agonising, blood-shaking. It's reaching the day of your soulmate's birth and knowing that the closest you'll ever be is a plaque with their name etched upon it.
That's what losing Gerard was like. It was soul-crushing. Worse. I would have ripped each of my nails off in slow motion, suppressing every scream. I would have buried myself alive, or let my lungs breathe in the ocean's salty water.
Gerard had been my world. He was my best friend, my soulmate, the only part of me I enjoyed. He was, to me, the bird's song every dawn, the rain in the summer, and the rays of light in autumn. Gerard was beauty, in my eyes. He was the epitomy of love and the star in my sea of darkness. Gerard was somebody who wore a ring encrusted with rubies, symbolising our eteral love. Gerard was my life.
But what is life when you are unable to live? I haven't eaten in days. I'm sitting in my room, choking on the tears I shed, my arm bleeding and the razors scattered around my room. I'm a coward. I don't have the guts to end it all. Be reunited with my love, my light, Gerard Way. I took another sip of coffee, desperately trying not to spit it out with a heavy sob. Clothes piled up in my room, broken mugs shattered on the floor where I'd dropped them. I clung to my pillow, crying so hard I was sure that I'd drown. I palmed the side of the bed that Gerard used to sleep on, praying that tomorrow, I could wake up and find him laying next to me.
But that would never happen.
Instead, I slouched down to the kicthem and found my pills. I'd been prescribed antidepressants four years ago, right after meeting Gerard. He'd convinced me to take them, to get help. He'd wanted to see me alive and well, happy, even. But then, he grew sadder. His eyes faded and his skin was pastly and pale. One evening, he finally succumbed to his sickness, and I had found him. He had been in a pool of his blood, smiling faintly as though he welcomed death as an old friend.
I grabbed a bottle of cold whisky and took it to my room with the pills. This was it. I was going to see Gerard. I opened up the jar that I kept the tablets in and began dropping them into the alcohol, growing hysterical at the thought of being reunited with my lover. I was about to bring the icy drink to my lips when a voice behind me called my name.
'Frankie!'
I jumped, terrified. Gerard stood before me, hazed and misty, though no less real. 'Gee!' I cried, slamming the glass back onto the table and throwing myself onto Gerard. I felt his hands grip my back, lifting my an inch off the ground. 'Don't do it Frankie.'
'Why?' My voice trembled, hardly able to speak. 'Honey, why shouldn't I?'
'You need to live, baby. Move on from me.'
'Never!' I tried to get back to my drink, which was frothing. I tried to force him to let go but he held on tight.
'You'll find me when the sun goes black.'
He whispered, holding my face in the palms of his hands. 'When this world ends? That's when we'll meet. But for now, stay. Stay alive with a beating heart without me.'
'How-' I choked, 'I can't live without you.'
'Yes,' said Gerard, 'you can.'
'Please...'
'You'll regret it, Frankie. You'll wish you never did it.'
'I won't if I can be with you!' I cried, smashing my lips to his with a passion this world could not contain.
Then, he was gone. And I was back in my lonely room, dreamimg of him. Staring at the space he'd been just seconds before. I glanced to the drink beside me, picking it up and twisting in in my hand. I wanted to. I wanted to so bad. Then, it would all be over. I could see Gerard again. But Gerard's voice rang in my ear. His pleading. His begging me to not let go. I always took his word, back in the day. When we were happy. He was so wise for such young a man, and I admired him for it. And now where were we? He was dead and I was too devastated to carry on.
But I had to carry on.
