Despite my best efforts, I do not find Ryan before the bell rings. So I head to class dejected.
I barely recognize any words being said as I wait for lunch. I will have to see him there. Instead of doing schoolwork I try and work out everything in my head.
I like Ryan, and Jason likes me. Do I like Jason? I imagine my best friend since fourth grade in my mind: chocolate brown hair, friendly green eyes, and slightly tanned skin. Daydreaming about him makes me feel weird, and leaves a tingling feeling in my stomach. Do I like him? Maybe I should just accept his confession, and figure my feelings out later. He's my best friend. I don't want to lose him because my mind cannot decide for me if I have feelings for him. Plus, it might help me figure things out with Ryan since Jason now knows about those feelings of mine.
Okay. I can do this.
***
I'm the first one out the door once the lunch bell rings. I race down to the cafeteria and sit patiently at our normal table. My fingers do the same tip-tapping that Mama does when she is anxious. I wish I could tell her about this kind of stuff. But I don't know how she would feel about Ryan and me.
It takes a couple of minutes, but Jason arrives and slides in next to me.
"So... What's up?" Just from his voice, I can tell he is also anxious.
"Firstly, I want to apologize about...well everything. We were friends, and I completely ignored you for the past week. Things have just been...complicated. With Ryan."
Jason's eyes are confused, "Were?" He asks.
I nod, laughing. "Wanna be my boyfriend?" God, these nerves.
"Of course." Jason looked at me with his green eyes, imploring my mind for a bit. "...Can I kiss you? Again, that is."
I shrug. Truthfully this would be my first relationship. Jason's too. Taking this next step in our relationship would probably be a little awkward at first. No matter how much he loves me. "Sure."
Jason and I stare at each other for a moment, me thinking about what I've just done. Jason then gets closer to me, deliberately slower—I'm guessing he's purposely taking this one slow—until he gets close enough to touch lips. I twist into it, leaning into his body as I press passion forward in him.
At some point, a tongue slips out—I don't know who did it first—but it's a fight for dominance for a couple of seconds. I win the battle, but I don't know if I would win the war in the end. With my tongue, I explore more of my best friend than I ever had before. I press my hand against his thigh to stabilize me. All I can focus on now is this kiss with Jason.
"Excuse me?"
I jump, twisting out and facing Ryan, who decided to disturb us. I can't tell what his face is trying to hide, but I know there is something more behind this vexed expression of his. "Yes, Ryan?"
"What's this?" He asks, still standing over us. I think he likes having some sort of control over the situation.
"Jayce is my girlfriend now," Jason speaks up behind me, putting an arm around my waist. It makes me blush.
Ryan's eyes glare at the arm but don't mention it. "Cool. I don't care," he slides into the table with us. "Just don't be fucking obnoxiously lovey-dovey in front of me. I'd rather throw up than see that shit."
I stare at Ryan for a few moments, not sure why we'd piss him off so badly. Or maybe he was in a bad mood already. Either way, I guess we can respect his wishes.
"Jayce," Jason gets my attention. "Are you at good for auditions?"
I think about it, "Yeah," but then I realize something. The auditions are today after school...which is clashing with the wedding rehearsals. My face falls to the table.
"What's wrong?" Both Ryan and Jason say it at the same time, which makes me want to laugh, but I hold back. The boys also look at each other, which is again hilarious, but not enough to mend my dejected mood.
"I won't be able to audition," I say simply. "Ryan and I have pre-planned family stuff to do."
The three of us sat silently at our table for a moment. I had worked hard on my audition by myself and with Ryan, and it felt bad that I had to give it up so early. But I also didn't want to ignore Mama and Arthur's wedding by preferring to do an audition than help them with the wedding.
"Could you reschedule the musical audition?" Ryan asked.
Jason shook his head, "You only get two days and that's it. And yesterday was the first one."
"I know," I sighed, slumping onto the cool table's surface. It was my fault that I didn't realize this sooner, so I could avoid it, but here we were now.
***
Ryan, Jason, and I were all packed into the back of Mama's new van. She got one recently to "allow everyone to fit" even though the future family of four could fit just fine in any other car. But it was dark blue, and I liked the model. And she was right—we did all fit.
I was sitting between the two guys, holding Jason's hand. It slipt out for me near the beginning of the drive, and I just slipped my hand into his from there. I couldn't look at his face while holding his hand, so I looked at my feet again.
I ran inside the house first, going straight into my room. I didn't feel up to the wedding dress rehearsal, but I knew I had to. For Mama. And Arthur. From my room I can hear the rest of my family and Jason talking.
"Is Jayce okay?" Mama.
"She's not in the best of moods. She wanted to audition for Beauty & the Beast, but something to do with her and Ryan got in the way." Jason. I feel a little bit better with him talking to Mama in my absence. He's always been a good mediator between Mama and me when we got into our rare disputes. He was always a block away anyway; little time out of his day to come and help me. That's what I like about Jason. He always had my back. But now I left him on his own devices. What a girl friend I am to do that to him.
I hear the familiar close of the door to the room beside mine. I assume Ryan will be changing into his clothes for the wedding. I should do the same, but I keep my ears open for Mama and Jason.
"Jayce and Ryan? Oh, we have our wedding dressing rehearsal today." Mama explains.
Silence falls between the both of them, so I go into my closet and pull out the dress Mama chose for me to wear. It's a light lilac slip dress that looks a little sluttier than I would like to think Mama would prefer. But it is pretty cute. I might add it to my collection of wear-at-home-only-dresses.
Once I'm in my dress I hear a knock on my door. I answer it. Outside stands Jason. "Are you-" He stops.
"What?" I feel a burn on my neck and instictively reach for the wire necklace, avoiding his eyes that I feel take in the dress and everything it refuses to cover up.
