Diary of a Shrimpy Kid

Chapter 2: A Goldie-n Opportunity

Home Ec, a glorified culinary class, was taught by a woman who seemed perpetually bored. Chad, after struggling to open the door, punched his way into the classroom and found a seat at the back of the classroom. There was a hot plate on each desk, meant to replicate stoves. He sat at a desk and fiddled with the knobs for the hot plate.

"I hate this class," a boy sat down next to Chad, flinging his backpack down with anger.

Chad didn't acknowledge the angry stranger, but the stranger spoke to him again.

"You any good at cooking?" He asked, "because I'm actually terrible and the stupid Home Ec lady never shows me some mercy in the grade-book."

Chad shrugged then nodded, "I'm a great chef actually."

The stranger's eyes lit up, "Aye, then I'm your new best friend, shrimpy! Name's Ahab but you can call me Goldie, short for Goldfish." Goldie said this as though Chad should have immediately known why Ahab went by Goldie. Chad smiled and squinted trying to get it.

Goldie clearly had been in this situation before because he huffed once then removed his golf visor and ran his hand through the shimmering sea of blonde hair that adorned his head, " Get it? I got those golden blonde locks, so Goldie. Ah, never mind, class is starting."

The teacher, who introduced herself as Miss Kelp, was pacing the front of the classroom and to Chad, yes, she did look like kelp -- green and withered like she had been struck by postmortem jaundice. She was talking about safety and professionalism and other things not particularly important to Chad at the moment. His mind drifted, swimming away with memories of cooking. At home, he was the best chef in school. His species, the mantis shrimp, was always winning deep sea cooking competitions because their punching arms are able to punch fast enough to boil water. This meant that while the other aquatic contestants were cooking coral cordon bleu, sand sushi, and seaweed salad, Chad was cooking rice, the only hot dish in the competition. His rice was a huge hit with cooking competition judges and bottom feeders, so much so that his dish had earned a special nickname: shrimp fried rice.

"For day one we'll start with something basic: rice," said Miss Kelp.

Chad laughed under his breath; too easy. Goldie, however, seemed stressed. "I've always been terrible at rice, once cooked it so sticky that everyone who tried a bite had their mouth glued shut for a week."

"Don't worry," Chad said, "I'll show you how. Rice is my specialty."

Goldie had a sly look in his eyes, "What if you did it for me? Ratatouille style, you know? You ever seen that movie?"

"Boy, have I ever," Chad said. Remy, the rat from Ratatouille, was his inspiration to start cooking at all. Without Remy, shrimp fried rice would have never existed.

"So it's a deal then?" Goldie asked.

Chad grinned, "I'm down, but let me finish mine first."

Chad got to work on his rice. He poured the bag of rice into the pot and then took the pot off of the hot plate, since he knew he wouldn't need it. He then poured the cup of water in, let it sit for one minute, no more, no less, then he punched. He punched the water hard, once, and the pot bubbled, boiling the rice at the perfect temperature. After a few minutes, he cooled the pot and strained the rice into a bowl. It smelled delicious.

Goldie was impressed, "Can you do that again?"

"Of course, you gotta let me on your head though because it's honestly easier to show you than to explain."

Goldie tipped his head down, and Chad crawled onto his luxurious mane of golden locks before Chad smoothed some of his incredible hair over him to hide Chad from the kelp lady's pointed gaze. He gripped the strands of hair and gently tugged, moving the boy beneath him. He guided him towards the bag of rice, then the water, repeating the steps he had always done for his famous rice.

Everything was going perfectly until it was time to heat the water. Without really thinking about what would happen, Chad tried to punch the water while holding Goldie's soft, perfectly-styled, dandruff-free hair. The water boiled, but Chad realized he was holding two clumps of baby-bottom smooth blonde angel hair that rippled from his grip like silk flowing down a waterfall, looking down at a shiny scalp that reflected the hair-trocity he had inadvertently just committed. He heard Goldie stifle a scream as Miss Kelp came by to inspect each student's rice. Chad scuttled off of Goldie's head, threw him an apologetic look, and stood proudly by his bowl of rice.

Miss Kelp took a spoonful of Chad's rice. The second it hit her tongue she closed her eyes and her face melted with pleasure, "Young...man...this is a splendid bowl of rice."

Chad smiled. She opened her eyes and gasped upon seeing the little shrimp on the table in front of her, "You mean a shrimp fried this rice?!"

Chad swiveled one of his compound eyes and winked at her and she blushed, "You have earned an A, Chad, and I highly recommend you join a culinary club meeting, we would be honored to have such shrimptastic talent."

Chad thought about this and gladly took a culinary club flier. Miss Kelp also gave Goldie an A for equally superb rice.

"That grade is so good I'll forget you just scalped me of my moderately-famous hair," Goldie said, extending his hand for a handshake, "You've got yourself a friend as long as I keep getting these A's."

Chad shook his hand in acknowledgement of this new friendship pact. The bell rang for the end of class, and Chad stuffed the culinary club flier into his backpack.