In Deep Waters (The Summer House series #1)

18

The feeling after Jacob's death was an emptiness I couldn't explain. I'd felt hollow inside because I'd not only lost my boyfriend, but parts of myself I'd grown to know in him. He was someone I had tied and intertwined so many parts of my life to in such a small space of time. Sometimes I still wondered if we'd found his body, would that have changed anything? Would it have given me more closure, more clarity to move on with my life? There was no true way of knowing. But I knew that the fact that Charlotte Jamieson's family had hers, that it would help them to move forward. I knew there was nothing worse than thinking of all the ifs and buts, the unknown.

Because when Jacob died, I'd felt numb. I'd felt nothing but numb for a very long time and I hadn't known how to break out of it. It was like I was just stuck that way, stuck in the past too. Sometimes, I still felt like that person. Like a robot, just going about my days and struggling to feel anything. Tonight I felt much the same, except I couldn't ignore the feelings it was bringing back. It was the way the air felt when something like this happened. Like nothing could ever be right again. The feeling of fear, of deep anxiety, and human grief. Of darkness and despair.

That was death.

I clutched my cup of tea in my hands so tightly, and as I stared at it, I saw my knuckles grow white. Grier had fallen asleep next to me on the sofa. It was just Drew and I sitting in silence. Waiting for some news. This felt awfully like deja vu to me. Like last summer all over again. I felt guilty in that moment for being almost glad I hadn't known Charlotte Jameson more than just a one time meeting. I didn't know if I could handle it.

"I wish you'd talked to me about this more, Keeley," Drew just said, breaking the silence in the room that had descended upon us.

"Why? I don't know what's going on."

"Why? Because I'm worried about you. This is serious."

The way that Drew spoke reminded me of when we were kids, and he was trying to explain something to me, or boss me around when we were playing a game. I didn't like it, he couldn't talk me that way anymore.

"I know it's serious. You don't have to tell me that."

"Well, then why am I not allowed to ask you about it? I just want to know that you're ok."

I didn't need his sympathy again.

"I'm fine."

"I know that isn't true," Drew said, pushing me a little further.

"We don't need to talk about this."

"Don't push me away. I want to be here."

I could hear the slight break in his voice, and I looked over at him for the first time since he'd patched up my bleeding toe. He looked worried and sad all at the same time. And like he wanted to say so many things but he didn't know how to say it. I didn't know what to say either.

"I don't know what to say Drew. What do you want me to say? That I'm scared? Of course I'm scared. That could have been me, or Grier."

Then I felt the tears in my eyes. And before I could stop them, they came pouring out and I couldn't stop. I saw Drew's eyes soften, I could see the look in his eyes that told me he wanted to put his arms around me, and tell me the things that he really wanted to say. But before Drew could do anything, there was a soft knock on the door. We both jumped.

It was just Blake.

Drew leapt up, making his way over to the door and letting her in. Blake's face looked like she'd come back from the dead. I thought she was going to collapse. Neither of us said anything to her. Drew just put a blanket over her shoulders and led her over to the couch, sitting her down next to Grier and I, who was now slowly stirring from her sleep.