The Lady In Blue

part four

It's been weeks since Daniella’s birthday and I miss her dearly. There is nothing I have ever craved more than the softness of her hand against mine. I've been on many outings with William and with each date our interactions feel more dull. I have to do this to please my mother, for I don't have any other option.

I am forced to another ball, this time I must attend with William. As always I am draped in restrictive layers of crinolines and petticoats, all finished off with a stiff corset and a pale yellow gown made of shining satin. The glamorous clothing and intricate curls of my hair may appear beautiful and effortless but it feels more like a prison than anything else. The only thing that could make this ball even slightly bareable would be Daniella but her family left for a trip to the seaside not too long ago and even if they have returned they most likely won't attend this ball. I look out the carriage window in despair, using the setting sun as a way out of this hell. Mother and Father took our family carriage and left only my brother to chaperone William and I in his glamorous form of transportation. While our carriage was one of the nicer ones, this one was extravagant to say the least. I suppose if William and I are destined to wed then I may have a luxurious time as a noble lady, a picture perfect life.

Charlie and William are good friends by now, the two of them chat the whole way there. I simply sit and gaze out the window longingly. By the time we get there I realize I've barely said more than a few words to william. It's not that I don't like him, I'm quite fond of him, it just feels wrong to know I'm courting him. I know I don't love him, but he seems to love me. I feel guilty for playing around with his feelings in such a way, he doesn't deserve to be in a loveless marriage but I fear he will lock himself into one. I gracefully exit the carriage after William once we arrive, I plaster a false smile upon my face. He walks me to the ballroom.

Later through the night I find myself mingling with a few of mothers friends. Of course they have to bring up william. “Rumor has it, he plans on proposing soon.”  is muttered by an older lady who I am barely familiar with. I set the drink I hold down and nod “if you'll excuse me, I must go get some fresh air.” I explain before quickly scurrying off to find some sort of way outside. My stomach twists and turns in all sorts of ways, I feel a swelling in my chest and tears prick at my eyes. As I run through the sea of people, William spots me. “ my dear, what is the matter” he calls out whilst following behind me. I don't answer, I fear that I will burst into tears if I dare speak, but I fear more what I may say.

People stare as I search for an exit, whispering to one another as if I don't notice. I see their judgment but I don't care. Mother must be furious at me for making a scene. Once I burst out the back garden I ran behind a hedge. I am in shambles, I've given up on keeping it together and staying prim and proper. “Anastasia!”  William calls out from somewhere behind the rows of bushes and flowers. I have had it with this facade. I collapse to the ground, getting the dewy grass all over the gown I've been imprisoned in. William finds me deflated onto the dirty ground sobbing. “Anastasia? My dear, what is the matter?”  He disregards the expensive garments he has been dressed in and sits in the muddy wet grass with me.

William places a hand on my shoulder and I can feel his gaze upon my ruined beauty. I don't dare to look at him, I can't bear looking into such a lovely man's eyes as I break his heart.  Rain begins to slowly fall down on us. At this point I am unable to tell what is the tears from my eyes and what is the sky weeping with me. “You can't marry me.” I mutter through tears. I wouldn't be surprised if my mother were to send me off to another family member or even the madhouse after this ordeal. He takes my tear coated face in his hands “I can. Anastasia, I have been madly in love with you from the moment I laid eyes on you at last month's ball. I have never been more infatuated with anyone but you. If I don't marry you I wont marry at all.” I am forced to gaze into his sorrowful eyes as he professes his love for me. “No William, I can't do this to you.” everything that has taken place since the duke's charity ball comes crashing down on me. The rain comes down harder, as if the world is shedding the tears I can no longer produce. I take Williams hands off my face and hold them in mine.

“William, you are wonderful but… I am broken. I can't love you, I don't think I will ever be capable of loving you in the way you love me. I admire you and have grown extremely fond of you. I can't bear locking you away into a loveless marriage when you can find a woman who can return your feelings.”

“ Who is he? If you don't love me then… who do you love?”

“William..”
I can see his heart shattering right in front of my eyes. His blonde locks are now soaked and dripping rain water into his face. He squeezes my hands with his soft palms. I want to tell him what I know in my heart. I don't love any man. But if I admit to him who really has my heart then I have to admit it to myself as well. I take a deep breath “no.. I don't..” I begin to try to explain but I can't put it into words. “It's okay my dear, I want you to be happy.” he says before he kisses my hand and leaves me alone in the garden. I weep uncontrollably until I can't breathe.

All of the sudden I get an idea. I rush to the front of the manor and find our families carriage and our driver.
“Take me to the Blanchet family manor.” I ordered. He speaks up for the first time I've ever heard in all of my 19 years. “Ms. Taylor, are you sure that your mother would approve?”  he asked with a trembling voice. “That isn't what I asked now, is it?”  he shook his head. I got into the back of the carriage and we rode off to the manor. I wished so strongly that Daniella had returned already.