Inner Ramblings

Part 1

I hate that I like you again. I hate it. But I cant help it. The way we talked to each other in the past days reminded me of the beginning. I haven't been that happy with myself in a while. But it was summer, I wasn't gonna let it affect me for long. I told myself I would bounce back. I got happy, met amazing people, and I was happy. You didn't even cross my mind. You're so fucking selfish. We weren't even close to dating and I let myself get attached. I told myself I wasn't going to get attached. It never fucking ends well. I knew it was gonna end and I let myself get attached. I knew how much it would hurt me. God I just want you to be as interested in me as I was in you, as I am in you. But no, upping your hook up count was more important. I get it, it was my plan too. But I never acted on it, hooking up with random guys just didn't do it for me. I want more. I want love. I want to be the one of the most important things in someone's life. I want someone to think of me when they see something that reminds them of me. I want them to tell me that too. It's insane how much it would mean to me to occupy someone's thoughts constantly. I know you weren't ready for that. And again, I get it. I understand. It's okay, I don't blame you. I blame myself. I was the one who got attached, I was the one who expected more from you than when you were ready for. I know it was a difficult situation, I just want to know you were starting to care about me as much as I started to care to you. I don't want to be just a hookup. You sort of led me on, even if you didn't mean it. All of the "what am I gonna do when you leave", "why do you have to go?".  Did you even think twice? Did you actually feel that way. God I really hope you did. Did you think about how I would feel when I found out? God your friends didn't even want to tell me. They knew it was bad. Shit you know it too. Morgan called me and said I don't want you to be hurt, I said I wouldn't. But holy shit i was. Why did I get myself into this again. I wish I could know what you think about me, or if you think of me. I miss affection. People say they see us together and that sort of gives me hope, but on the other hand the people that truly care about me know I'm going to end up getting hurt. I don't want that to be true. I want to believe you know what you did was gonna mess with me. Hell you said you felt bad about it, but you didn't even apologize. Not that I deserve one. I shouldn't have expected that. I asked too much. But you say you changed your mindset after the summer, right when you texted me after the fair. And then you said it again two days ago. I want to believe you. I want you to care but I know I can't make you. I just hope you treat the next girl really well, I hope you really commit to her, I hope you outwardly show her affection, I hope you make her know you care about her. Fuck I wish you actually cared about me. You acted like you did for a while. I really liked it. I was happy. I told you I would make sure your were sick of me by the time I left. Ig I did a good job. I didn't want to get hurt. This shouldn't be a big deal. But for some goddamn reason it is. Definitely not to you, but to me. I wish I could know if you ever thought about me or what we could have been. I know you said it makes you think when I brought up what might have happened, I wish you would talk to me about it. Stop being scared. Just fucking talk to me. Please. I don't even know if you want too. But I fucking miss it. And I wonder if you miss it too. I know I can't make you though. I just have to hope that maybe you'll feel the same way. I cant even tell if you actually liked me. The way you hugged me from behind at Julian's house kind of made me think so. I shouldn't have believe it. It was  naïve. Why would I let myself think that. Why would you let me think that. You confuse the shit out of me. Fucking show emotion. Make a girl know you care about her and aren't gonna screw her over. Maybe it will last and you both can be happy. I want it to be me. But I don't know if it ever can be again. I wish I could tell you this. But I feel like I'm being dramatic over something that could have happened but had only just started. I want someone to make me feel the way you used too. I could listen to you talk about random shit forever. I need to stop baiting myself. I need to stop snapping you. I need to stop leading myself on, convincing myself that we could happen. If you wanted to you would. I know what I deserve. I just want to feel special.