From Above the Treetops

VI

Dear Diary,

It's been four months and I still can't sleep.

Every night I wake up in a cold sweat, sometimes screaming. Cameron let it slip that sometimes I call out his name when I'm asleep, begging him to come back. I know he can't, but that doesn't stop my body from aching for him.

I miss the tingles that could soothe even the worst of days. The vibrations that would flood through my body as soon as he would touch me, letting me know that my mate was close and holding me, protecting me.

I miss everything about him...

Sometimes I wish it was me and not him, but Cameron tells me I'm being silly. Noah junior would be without a parent either way, so I have to be strong. I also would never want Noah to feel the way I have these last months. It's so hard. Everything is so hard and I can't take it. I just want to sleep all day, but I can't sleep without the nightmares coming.

The nightmares aren't even the worst part. The worst part is that sometimes they don't end when I wake up.

The pack doctor told me that what I've been experiencing is a sort of phantom pain. I felt all of the pain and emotions Noah felt when he was dying. I felt the knife enter and leave my body. I felt the life draining from my own mates body and the panic as he realised he was leaving behind his mate and newborn son. I felt all of it, despite it never physically happening to my own body, and I'm forced to relive it constantly.

Sometimes when I wake up screaming, I truly believe I've been stabbed; the pain is excruciating.

I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with this because I feel like I can't continue for much longer, but I have to. For Noah junior. There's no way I could leave him without any parents. He's the only thing keeping me living through this.