Dear husband.
Hey.
In the land of far far away, hope you're doing well. Living your life to fullest and working hard. I pray and wish all your hard work and dedication pays off. Ameen.
It's been 13 days since you've left and we've only talked twice. Seeing us how we get along with each other without talking makes me think and ask myself alot of questions. But the one question that remain unanswered is "how and why." But to be honest I'm slowly getting used to the way you are keeping me. I'm slowly trying to understand that maybe this is your love language. And as I am unfamiliar and totally foreign to this type of love somedays it get difficult to get through the day. Because the adoration and affirmation, affection I seek in our relationship is maybe too much for you to give. And this is the solely thing that I would have ever wanted in my relationship. But now I'm slowly learning to reciprocate your love language. Cause I also believe to make things easier for my spouse. Therefore, I try.
But then it's night and the next day I wake up it is another day. And with the same thought the days after days, months after months pass away. And the feelings again press against my chest.
You said that I only care if my heart gets broken. No. I have cared for everyone's hearts except my own. And the thought that I didn't care about yours for a moment broke me once again. And the thought that for how long I'm going to get misunderstood by people who have been so dear to me. With this thought I realized we have never sat down and talked about each others hearts ever. And it's been how many years? Two and four months till our next anniversary. Cause maybe you're busy keeping balance between relations and I'm busy waiting. I don't know.
I never knew that I'd been a strange spouse. I thought that the one who will marry me will be the luckiest. Cause I can give that man everything. You can earn everything in this world. But true love, respect, a shoulder to cry on and to understand someone is rarely done by anyone. And to give these things to someone were one of the best things that I had. But through my journey I have realized there's more to relationships than what I built my basis on.
To leave someone I love was never an option. To think about it was way beyond everything. But the way we happened. I never ever imagined that I can have someone in my life in a relation I sworn too pure and beautiful yet not have him at all. Because standing in a body where hearing I'm not understanding and flexible towards this relationship and us I have lost track of myself. The constant fear that has Built up within me of not being enough for you, in a place where people are so easily replaceable is so terrifying.
I see myself with your eyes. The way you see me. And honestly I don't feel confident anywhere in my life. Because that how deep I go within you. Trying to be someone that you'd ever be pleased with. You say I pretend to be the victim. Yes. I am the victim of my own actions. Cause I gave my heart to easily. And I never thought twice. Cause that's how I thought about marriage. About my husband. We'd be safe with each other. I'll protect him. And he'll protect me whatsoever.
I wanted to be the best for you in every way. Sadly. I lack alot. And afterwards In life I will still lack alot.
These days. I'm just silent. As much as I want to tell you what goes in my head and how much I miss you, I know you don't want to hear it. Cause maybe we're not on the same page. Or maybe you just don't know how to respond. I don't know what to think.
Or maybe the whole point of wiring this is I'm not over the fact that last time I hurt you. I can hurt Someone I love.
.
Take care.
Yours.
