I decided to set myself on fire. But failed to do so. Everytime I held matches I failed to light it. Each night seemed to get darker from the previous one. I used to sit in the corner searching. I wanted to know what I needed. I wanted to know what I live for. But I was, I was in despair.
I told the doctor it's getting worse. He said its hard for everyone in the beginning. You'll make through it eventually. But it's been a year. It's been a year. And I'm caught in the same situation. Everything is on the loop. Reading new year's resolutions from around made me envious of others. Everyone is moving but why the hell I'm still here.
New Year resolutions , my foot!! It's the same for me. Then , my therapist asked me, he asked me to write what frustrates me. "Is it the people that do it?"
Now how the hell do I make him clear, it's not them. It's not them but me.
Myself aches me. Everytime I stare at myself, in the mirror, I ask same question, " who are you!? " what do you need!? " what do you need, you fool!? Tell me. " and I've been asking this question for the last two years. So it's me right!? And it's killing me. Why ain't I'm moving.
Haha, then the therapist
said, you're building it on yourself, intentionally. Waaahhhhh, I wanted to hit my self. " are you mad!? " I wanted to ask him. "Didn't I get the right to dream, didn't I get the right to live. Was it my choice that I get to born this way!? "
How do I make them understand. There's someone inside, who needs to break-through . Free from this shit.
And then they don't let me die. They lie to me saying, you're precious. You have a place in this world. You have a purpose.
But what's worse, you know!? Their words don't stand by their actions. They ask me to tell what you want/ need? I told them and they said, no!? Haha! Dream!! My foot!
Last time, my friend came and said, "ya !!! I think I'm not well and I think I'm suffering from BPS." And *laughters* I kept on listening to him till he stopped and checked for my reaction. MY REACTION!!!!!!!!!!
MINE!!!!!!!
"Say something" I was secretly praying that he wouldn't ask me this, otherwise I'll burst. And yep, he asked and it happened what I was most afraid of.
"Let me tell you one thing. I don't know if you're making fun. Or whatsoever you're trying to do. But let me get you something clear. What you just said so, wasn't BPS at All. Just tell if you need some attention and I'll give you all that you need.
If you want to know what BPS is, then keep your ears open!
BPS isn't something that you feel late at night. It's then, when it's noon, and suddenly you have a break down.
BPS isn't something that you feel when you're all by yourself. But it's then, when you're surrounded by a crowd, or you're at a party and you feel everything closing upon you.
It isn't something you feel in a tight place. But it's something you feel when you're in an open space and all of a sudden the universe begins to collapse on you. And you feel like being closed in a box. You have an ample supply of oxygen but you're unable to inhale.
It's not that you're depressed because you don't have a friend. It happens when you're with your best friend and you begin to cry your eyes out.
Depression doesn't come at your worst. It always hits when you're at your best.
It's not something that stays like sun and moon or clouds and rains. It comes and remain there like seasons. Like months, years.
If you want to know about depression, then search for the most talkative person in your room. That person surely hides it well. Observe that person. You'll know what kind of that person he/she really is.
It might be the most silent person as well. He/she might just come across it. Would be learning to handle it. Or might already be in battlefield.
If you want to know exactly what depression is then try to listen to the person closely, who says, " hey I want to talk to you about something." maybe he'll tell you what he's feeling. Maybe you can then be thank ful for the kind of life that you're having. Maybe then you won't say so lightly that,' Hahaha, I think I'm having depression. "
So yes, we parted ways that day and never got to chance to hold on to him.
So thats how I never came to have any friends. I could've taken it lightly, like the rest of the world does but yes, I messed up. And did I feel sorry for it , well, no!
Days were passing by and my soul is crumpled up. And the feeling of being nowhere/no-one heavier. So, when I'm going to be comfortable within my own soul? I don't know when, I'm going to be fulfilled by my self. Till when I'm going to calm myself. The inner storms are getting stronger and stronger. The inner insecurties are getting darker and darker......
And then finally I mustered up my courage and decided to do it. It did hurt first, but afterwards it vanished. It felt as if wings have appeared and my soul is finally free. I saw myself fly that night. It was escape from all the shit that I suffered from. It was as if I've succeeded unchaining myself.
In the end, I just wanted to say that it's not anyone's fault. I am fully responsible for all the actions that occurred. It's just, It began to hurt so much that It was unbearable. You, therapist, the only who listened to me. You did a fantastic job. You did your best. It's just that I used to feel like walking corpse and now only difference is that I've become one.
Tell my family they did best. They were there every single second I needed them. But it's just, it hurt too much. Sorry, that I had to leave like this. But it's okay. I'm okay.
I'm free, that's what I needed.
.
Oppression!!
So, I just remembered this piece of mine. That I wrote after so many thought. It was not an easy one to write. They say that if you want to know how others feel then you have be in their shoes first. And that's how I was able to write this!
I hope you all will appreciate this piece of mine as it's special for me and close to my heart. ❤
