stuck in my thoughts °

the past takes over

⚠️Tw:self harm, painful past,blood.

the next day, 4:30 a.m :

Y/n pov :

I'm in my bed crying, I've been crying non-stop for 2 hours. This fucking memory goes through loops in my head, flashes, images and words that I will probably never forget,"Why now?, why here?" I scream,I don't care about waking up the others, it hurts, hurts like I've never had pain,I head for the bathroom with only one idea in mind, to externalize this pain by making it physical, probably a very stupid idea but I only have that in mind.
I sit on the ground with a blade in my hand and I start to cut, 1.2....6....10.....15 cuts are made, I feel good at peace,but I notice that there is a lot of blood on me and on the ground.i get up grab a towel and mop the floor then i take care of my arms.

5:30a.m:

i put bandages on my arms,I'll try to find an excuse to go unnoticed.I look at the time 5:45a.m, I'm going to go see the costume designer so I won't need to justify myself to others.
After putting on my suit and having my makeup done, I sit on the sofa in the common room and I reread my text ,well, I try because I think back to what I did "and if gwen is aware? ""and if she don't want me anymore?" too many questions come to mind.i'm brought out of my thoughts by christina who comes to sit next to me, instantly i look at my arms and i notice that it's well covered by the costume so i try to relax "hi,slept well?" she asked "yes very well and you?" I lied "like a baby"she said laughing" great then""so with gwen?" she ask me"uh, it's better"I made a fake smile, I wanted to cry just imagining her face if she saw my arms.
"good morning everyone"said gwen,how does she manage to be in a good mood all the time"hi gwen, did you sleep well?" asked christina"yes like on a cloud and you?" she asked us"good "I said"like a baby "replied christina"perfect then, y/n can I talk to you?"what but why, and if it was to tell me that she regrets what happened yesterday and if she had seen my arms, oh I'm worried.
I get up and we go apart,"how are you, you look tired hunn?" she's worried, no, no, don't worry "it's fine, a little tired but don't worry" "you're sure, if you need me I'm here for you" she said stroking my arm, it hurts, "yes I know" I said making a face because of the pain. she looked at me with a small smile "you are beautiful" wow, Gwendoline the MOST beautiful woman on earth just said that I was beautiful, that remark made me smile "you even more" I said.
Tim arrived "well this morning we're not shooting but I want everyone here at 2:30p.m exactly" phew, I did not feel like turning,gwen looked at me with a look that could make anyone fall under her spell,"do you want us to repeat or do you want to go for a walk?" She asks "uh, we can repeat if you want"
we go to her trailer, but when I turned to her, gwen kissed me "I really love you, so if it's not going well in the night come see me"oh no she heard me scream"no it's ok""your scream say otherwise, darling, talk to me, please" I couldn't speak anymore, I burst into tears."oh darling, come here" she took me in her arms, I didn't want to leave them anymore"What is happening?"she asks me"I have..just..bad memories that come back""oh, hunn"her hug is getting stronger, my arms hurt me but she makes me feel good .
we stay like this for 5 minutes,after that she suggested to watch a movie.

Gwendoline Pov :

I'm worried about her, we're watching a movie but I quickly feel a weight on me, I turn my head and notice that this beautiful woman has just fallen asleep on my shoulder.I wanted to put a blanket on her but I accidentally lifted one of her sleeves,I notice cut marks all over her forearm, no no don't tell me that she hurts herself,"my poor baby,I didn't even notice how much pain you were in"I kiss her forehead and let her sleep peacefully.

2p.m :

I look at the time, 2p.m, I decide to wake her up slowly "y/n, hunn wake up"
she slowly opened her eyes,"slept well ?""better than tonight" she replies,of course, she must not have slept all night,"I'm glad I served you as a pillow"she started to laugh, oh my god, I love her laughter,"we have to go back to the common room, it's almost 2:30 p.m."I say helping her to get up"wait",she stood up on the sofa and kissed me passionately, wow,"You have to get on the sofa to be at my height" I said,making fun of her ,"not my fault if i'm short"she is adorable !"come on, we have to go" I say, taking her down from the sofa.

Y/n pov :

I had never slept so well in my entire life, her shoulder is more comfortable than my pillows. "Eh, wait for me"I say, seeing her leave in front, I caught her ,and I took her hand.
we walked to the common room not caring what was going to happen.
once arrived we settle down with luis and jenna waiting that Tim and the others arrive.