𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐦 ₓ˚. ୭ ᵗᵒᵏʸᵒ ʳᵉᵛᵉⁿᵍᵉʳˢ

𝚌𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚐𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚜 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝 | 𝟷𝟶 𝙵𝚎𝚋𝚛𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚢

[A/N] this is going to be short :)

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10 February 2006

FRIDAY

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[y/n]'s pov

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐊𝐋𝐘 𝐒𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐓𝐇 collision of bursting golds and oranges acted as a prelude to the night rolling over onto Japan's horizon. The parting clouds became a warm chestnut shade, sending shining halos of apocalyptic orange onto the greying sea.

Salt evaded my senses; waves crashing against the sand banks and the calling of seagulls was what filled the comfortable silence with the company that joined me in my rendezvous to the beach.

"I can't wait for summer again, I missed swimming in the ocean," Emma commented, longingly staring out towards the calming scene.

I hummed in response, content smile growing, "yeah, I wish it was summer again," I agreed, tone wistful.

Emma turned her gaze onto me, "you sound... sad," she observed.

I glance down, pushing my bare feet further into the sand, feeling the way the seashell particles moved against my skin, "do I? I kinda feel, like, sentimental in a way, if ya'know what I mean," I reply.

"You wanna talk about it?" Emma suggests, sounding as though she gave room for me rejecting the offer, and either instead fall back into silence or converse about something else.

However, instead of bottling it up as I've been doing for the last few months, I let out a sigh, turning to face Emma, "shit has been hard. It seems as though the past has come back to terrorise me," I explain, cracking a small laugh at the end, "with Shinichiro and Kazutora... Izana... Kakucho – it's made me realise how much I've decided to ignore."

Emma stayed quiet as I talked, listening and processing to what I was saying, before responding, "maybe, but I have a feeling it wasn't just you who was ignoring everything," she states, causing me to turn to give a quizzical look, "I know for a fact that they all rely on you to keep everything together – help them regulate their own emotions, and that's not fair on you."

I breath out slowly, stomach tightening and eye brows furrowing.

Emma then continued, "I can tell that many do it. I know Mikey does it, and I know it's not healthy for either of you," she sighs out, turning her head away from me, "but I also know he does it 'cause he's in love with you," she then whispers out, the ocean breeze however still carrying her words for me to hear them.

The lump in my throat grew, saliva thickening within my mouth as I swallowed away the onslaught of emotion. I decided to disregard Emma's last comment.

"The world is... just so ugly, and everyone seems to be okay with it," I then mumble out, pausing to brush away the water growing in the corner of my left eye, "the level of anger people hold onto; everyone just seems to want to make others seem less human, and I don't wanna be apart of that."

"[y/n]..." Emma called out in a hushed murmur, reaching out to wipe away the tears that fell.

I turn to face Emma, the tears blurring her form into washed colours, "I don't know why I'm even crying," I huff out a laugh, pulling an unassured smile, "I–I mean, I'm fine, I'm okay... really, I'm fine," I choke out, placing my forehead against Emma's shoulder to hide my face away.

"Hey, hey," Emma uttered, wrapping her arm around my waist in a side-ways hug, "it's okay– it's okay to cry, and it's okay not to be okay," she consoled, rubbing comforting circles around my shaking back. 

The few minutes that passed felt like hours, glaring down at the sand as Emma silently comforted me. I soon then shifted to rest my temple against her shoulder, staring back off into the distance, seeing how the bright yellows began to fade in a deep indigo. By now, the tears had began to dry against my cheeks.

"I wanna go back to July last year," I mumble, voice cracking against my raw throat, "I wanna go back to hanging out with you, Draken, and Mikey at the summer festival. And all those days swimming at the beach pool. I wanna go back to 2003, before we even had the idea of Toman."

The words itself left a bitter taste against my tongue, but yet I thought it, and proceeded to let it out into the world for Emma to hear.

"Does... that make me seem like I'm just running away from all my problems?" I ask, chewing on the inside of my cheek.

"No," Emma answers confidently, "we all have those thoughts. Where we just wish we could just go back in time and scream at yourself to not do something, or have the guts to do something."

I sigh out a small laugh.

It's almost humorous, how among the many paradoxes of human life, we often behave in ways that are guaranteed to make us unhappy. Many spend their lives walking with open eyes towards remorse, regret, guilt, disappointment. 

Yet we damn others – we damn the world. What did we do so terribly wrong to end up where we are today, sitting on the beach, wanting to go back to a time when death didn't exist in our world of childhood.

Perhaps we didn't do anything. Or, maybe, it was the result of the butterfly effect arising from the consequence of one bad decision. But, these are questions that will never gain answers.

As I continually stare out into the distance, watching the sun fade away into the skyline to allow the stars to sprinkle across the atmosphere, I couldn't help but feel this was to be a conclusion.

A perfect conclusion of peace, and the introduction to remorse and terror, that I was walking with open eyes towards.

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