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Chapter Thirty-Nine

When I wake Pierce has me held tightly in his arms. His head is buried into my back like I'm shielding him from hell. We clearly have no idea how to be apart. We can't have space. It doesn't exist. And I don't want it to exist.

I slowly roll under his arms and play with his hair once I'm facing him. He stirs but doesn't wake. I get to enjoy his company in a peaceful silence. Something I rarely get to do. There's always noise from somewhere, even if it's just my mind.

Today though, my mind is silent. I oddly feel like the weight of the world isn't on my shoulders. But in my deep sleep one thing has truly pulled itself to the for front. If I trusted Pierce I shouldn't feel as upset over yesterday as I did.

I thought I trusted him. But I guess deep down I didn't. I needed to work on that. It would come with time. If it didn't, we'd continue to fight and I'd lose him. I didn't want to lose him.

It's Friday now. The school week is almost over. If this school was like ours there was no doubt going to be some sort of hang out. Pierce deserved better yesterday. He should get time with his friends. Time that I'm not ruining by freaking out on him.

Time quickly passes and Pierce slowly wakes. He stretches and unbeknownst to him, he's so close to me he nearly whacks me in the face. He instantly apologizes cupping my face in his palms. Always so gentle and kind. Even when he's upset.

"When did...?" He trails off, his eyes bouncing around my face admiring my presence before him.

"In our sleep I guess." I chuckle and wrap my arms around him tightly. Practically squeezing the life out of him.

"I'm sorry about yesterday. I wasn't being fair." I sigh. "I need to trust you better. It's an issue with my own self worth. Time and time again you've shown and proven to me that you're not going anywhere. I need to remember that, trust that."

Pierce seems a bit overwhelmed by my apology. He's just waking up and I'm throwing this all at him. I had been up for awhile. I've had time to plan this all out in my head. If I didn't say it now I wouldn't say it at all. It's how it goes.

"I think you should go out with your friends tonight." I run the back of my fingers along his cheek. "You deserve to have a little birthday bash with them. I'll stay back here and rest and pick up our things, get organized."

Pierce shakes his head slightly. "I just want to spend my birthday week with you." Pierce's hand reaches up and grabs mine.

"You should go out. It would make me really happy if you went out and enjoyed yourself." I smile kindly at him. "I'll call Ryatt and Ryder, hopefully Casey is still away and I'll get my final chats with them before I can't anymore."

"Charlee," Pierce groans, "I want to prove to you that I want you as mine. I want the chance to show you what I should have the first time." Pierce tenderly caresses my cheek. "Please come with me?"

"If I don't feel comfortable. Would you be okay with either me leaving, or us leaving?" I feed into his touch.

"Where you go babe, I go." Pierce places a kiss to my lips. "And I need to pee so..." he drags out the end of his sentence as he sweeps me up in his arms.

I kick my feet in a fit of laughter. I try to wiggle out of his arms but he's got me squeezed so tight. It's a cute moment that I will definitely cherish. This is the shit I need in my life, the simple moments filled with such joy.

He sets me down once we enter the bathroom. I go to open the door to leave but he wraps his arms around my waist not allowing me to leave. "What do you want? Do you wanna piss in my mouth?!" I exclaim.

"I mean no. But if you want me to I would." Pierce raises his brows and I nearly scream to get away.

"Don't you god damn dare put your pee anywhere near me!" I yell out through my fit of laughs.

Pierce forcefully spins me so the front of my body is flush with his. "So damn cute when you're feisty." He finishes by peppering my face with a million kisses.

"Will you just pee already?" I roll my eyes and release myself from his grasp.

I turn my back toward him and in mere seconds I hear his pee hitting the water in the toilet bowl. This man cares not one little bit about privacy. All he wants is me by his side. If I were confident I would boast and say of course he wants me by his side I'm amazing. But I didn't think I was.

I was trying my best to be better. I was struggling more than I ever imagined. But it truly, at least to me, mattered that I put in effort. Effort was the important part in all of this. If there wasn't an effort to be better than what was the point.

The fact that I did hold it somewhat together at the school made me feel like I had been growing. I exploded once I felt backed into a corner. And even when I did explode it wasn't half as bad as it once was.

If this were a short few months ago I would have tried to rip Caroline's head off her body. But I didn't. I was calm and collected toward her. She didn't know me any better than the next person. She didn't need to affect me. The only person who did was Pierce. She was not the problem, he was. And that's where my growth began. Finding the real source of issues, and addressing the real problem instead of whomever.

I guess despite this trip going so horribly I have learned a lot about myself. I know what I want and what I desire. I know my worth and my self control. Maybe Casey did have a point in all of this. That didn't mean what she did or said was at all means okay. But she could have been right about something's.

Maybe just maybe, Pierce and I are here to learn about us. Both together and individually. Maybe it wasn't about making amends with our past at all. Maybe it was about making amends with ourselves instead.