Scream

Chapter 9

Warnings:
grief
breif mention of not wanting to live
death

Sirius fell to his knees, a broken cry in his throat. He crawled towards Remus, desperate to make sure he as okay, that this was all an act and Remus would wake up and say "surprise!" and everything would be fine. He stared at his lover through his tears, shaking and trembling because the love of his life was gone. Dead. He'd never be able to see him again. Remus was dead.

He was gasping, hands clutching his chest as he tried to suppress the onslaught of emotions he was feeling. James could feel it. Every shard of glass stabbing into his heart. Every feeling of panic emerging, making it hard to breathe. The suffocating blanket of grief that was thrown over them, threatening to smother them completely. James felt it all, because he mourned too. He mourned one of his best friends. Another fellow Marauder. His best friend's lover. He mourned so much, it felt like that was all he knew how to do. Like his whole purpose on this earth was just to grieve the loss of every friend he'd had, of every person he couldn't save.

Remus was dead.

James had dropped the bat at some point in all of this. He wasn't sure when though. He couldn't remember, and he couldn't care less. Remus was dead. No one cared about a stupid bat. James looked at Regulus, the boy staring down at Sirius as his brother gently cradled Remus's body in his arms. How could Regulus have done this? How could Regulus, the love of James's life, kill one of his best friends? He couldn't. This wasn't happening. It wasn't real. Remus was still alive, and Sirius wasn't crying over his dead body. Regulus wasn't a murderer and James wasn't having trouble processing everything that just happened because nothing had happened. Everything was fine. Everything was fine. Everything was fine-

Everything was not fine.

James couldn't outrun this. He couldn't pretend that everything was fine, not when nothing was. All his friends were dead, all except for Sirius who most likely hated James for dating and falling in love with his brother. Regulus in question was a serial killer who had killed all of James's friends so that they could be free to love each other without being afraid. He had killed for James, and it was James's fault. Everything was James's fault, and if he had just done things differently none of this would be happening.

Panic was clawing at James's throat. He felt like he was going to pass out. His hands were clammy, and his breaths were quick and short. He didn't want to believe any of this was happening, but it was. He needed to accept the truth, so he could figure out what to do next, but he was at a loss of what to even think, let alone do. What if Regulus killed Sirius? What if Sirius killed Regulus? What would James do? Who would he side with? Who would he save? Questions upon questions bubbled up inside him, but he had no answers. He had no idea what he'd do, what he was supposed to be doing right now, which was probably why he was just standing there doing nothing. Not even crying.

Should he be crying? Sirius was crying. Sirius had been in love with Remus. James had loved Remus too. Sirius was holding Remus's body and begging him to come back to him, to open up his eyes and be okay. James knew that Remus would never open up his eyes again. James wasn't sure why he wasn't crying. He should be crying.

Instead he was staring at Regulus, at how lovely he looked, even covered in blood. He was looking at Regulus and thinking about how despicable he was because he was still in love with him. Even after he murdered Remus, one of the people James loved most in the entire world, James still loved Regulus. Would James love Regulus no matter what he did or who he killed? Possibly. It was possible. Anything was possible. Not Remus waking up though, so Sirius should really stop trying. It wasn't going to work. Nothing would work.