Field Notes ▪︎ Prose (2)

16. Pain letter

Dear X

I hope winter has been good to you and you're enjoying your summer. I found myself thinking of you lately it's staggering my sense of being and perception of time. I know it's rather not the response that you expected me to write for your short letter but I can not delay this further more. My journals are all lines of confound thoughts and mangled attempts of explaining what I'm feeling. The ink bottles have drained their blood on the pages telling the compagnie of my irascible silence about your name. How every cell that stashed away in the matter of me is questioning every once of verity and truth I've set to live by. It all comes back to that dawn where my stumbling sight fell into your horizon in the midst of a morning genesis, your hair had wet stands that gave a nonchalant look to the contrasting rest of your outfit and I stared with a naked soul and a forward eye to you overtaken by the realisation that you were in fact carved to be a divinity a promise made from god to beauty. I know I'm saying this out of the blue but I actually never thought of someone as much as I thought of you, at first I guessed it was just my body's chemistry being fickle; that insolent little damsel of mine, and then I told myself that distance will erode any feelings I evoked in the course of our conversations but I still burned all along that winter, blazed even more in the summer. All I saw of the twilight was a tinged luster of flagrant vermillion, my longing eclipsed the crescent gleam and persisted till the cradle of the first morning glory bloomed, I ate my heart full with the zest offered by nature tried to sweeten my tongue  make my throat a cushion for the words I was afraid to say outloud so they would mellow and fall into a quietened gag but the hunger persisted and I had nothing to eat anymore. You can disregard want I said it was a choice made on forgotten sobriety to be more precise it's currently half past four in the morning and I'm doubting if I'm sending this letter at all but at least I'm speaking about this whatever it is, it may mean something or not it doesn't matter I'm not urging you to address my feelings or give them a second thought I'm just saying this so at least I can sleep and not dream of saying this to your face.

All my regards, A

December 16, 2022