Dear Jonghyun: Letters to an Artist

fɪᴠᴇ ʏᴇᴀʀs ᴀfᴛᴇʀ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ɢᴏɴᴇ

18. Dezember 2022

Dear Jonghyun,

it's been a long time since I wrote you. And many things happened in this time. In the last year. So many things I wanna tell you and I have no idea where I should start. It's not really easy. Maybe I should start in the beginning, right? Honestly, I'm not really sure what happened there. Did I tell you that I broke up with my dad because he's an asshole? He's a criminal and I don't want to talk to him anymore. He did so many bad stuff that I don't know if I can talk to him. He died for me one year ago when he told me that I'm the reason for every bad thing. It wasn't his words but the main meaning of his little "speech" is that.

However, I went back to university after I helped my mum moving to her new apartment. And honestly I'm really happy that I'm here hundreds of kilometers away from her. I love her, I really do but sometimes she's a pain in the ass. She's a helicopter mum. She wants to know everything I do and it's kinda annoying. I want to live a life I want to live and not one she wants for me that I live. Yeah, she means it in a good way but it's not me, you know? And then there is this thing I'm always thinking about. How should I out myself in front of my mum? The first time she find out she didn't really understand and she didn't accept. And I know she never will. But my mum is one of the most important humans in my life and I don't wanna lose her. To lose my father was okay and not bad to handle because I feel much better since I broke up with him. But to break up with my mum? I will be broken. She helped me so many times and she tries to make me happy (I think she tries). And she is really tolerant. It doesn't matter if I'm in a relationship with a boy or a girl. But she doesn't really understand the way I think about myself. But it's okay. I will find a way to tell her. Even when it will be in one year or later. I promise that I will tell her.

What I also want to tell you is that I really miss you. I think of you everyday. Maybe sometimes I'm not really thinking about you but everyday I'm in touch with you. I love your music, even when I don't listen to it every single day. I love your personality, your way to show your depression. You never hide it. And that makes me really envious. You was so strong even when you choose to leave. I understand you, Jonghyun. You deserve this step. I know it's hard to fight, to survive for your friends and your family. But I know you're at a better place now. And if not, you will.

And maybe we see us soon, Jonghyun. My fight will end sometime and I hope I can end it as soon as possible. I promised you something and even when I nearly broke it three times I try to hold it now. Even when it gets harder and harder because my cutie pie is the anchor I need, my sticker to hold the pieces of my heard together. But I will stay. For you and for her.

Sincerely,
Limmoscow