Motive

chapter one- pointless

tick tick the sound, the sound of the clock the clock ticking the clock going deep inside the holes of my ears. I turn and twist the sounds of the rustling of the blankets and sheet, my body turning from each side of the bed. I lay on my back, looking at the ceiling. My white ceiling, my eyes perching. My eye bags black coating my under-eyes, I couldn't sleep. I listened to the noise of nothing. The noise of the clock, the noise of every 20 minutes a car would pass by. I put my hands in my hair scrunching my hair annoyed with the fact i couldn't sleep. I could feel my body taunting me. I let out a deep breathe and grabbed my phone from the charger. I opened it to instagram, why was i even on here? i only had 2 friends stories to watch and i already had watched them. I watched the reels sighing at all the depressing shit i saw, I looked at my account why was it even private? I didn't post. I sighed closing my dry phone, no one texted me, no one checked up on me. I put my phone back on the charger and quietly sobbed soft little whimpers leaving my mouth. I wiped my eyes looking at my wall, feeling my eyes pull. My mind shut, myself disappear.

My eyes slowly opened hearing the loud alarm going in my ears. I sighed my eyes heavy and puffy, I felt my face it felt rusting like an old metal bar. But it was just my dried up salty tears, I wiped my eye boogers feeling my messed up curly hair grabbing my glasses as i sat up straight in my bed. I tried processing life as i got up from my bed, I stood there no thoughts no nothing for a long second. I started walking  to my closet picking up my comfort shirt from the dirty clothes. I smelled it, sighing that it was  dirty. I looked through my closet finding a beaten down striped sweater and some blue jeans. I placed them on my bed going to the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror my dark brown eyes my acne covered face my stupid curly hair. I looked at myself. That wasn't me, Im not real.
Well i am, But i sure as hell don't feel real. I grabbed a towel and wet it with warm water placing it on my saturated face wiping the dried tears and the gunk off my face. I knew nobody could ever find me attractive. I wasn't lovable just a meaningless soul, I stoped washing my face ringing out my towel and putting it away. I wiped my face with a dry towel leaving the bathroom, I should of brushed my teeth. But i didn't feel like it. I walked in my room putting on my clothes and sitting on my bed staring at my feet getting a pair of converses and putting them on. I store at the wall, my brain felt numb like it wasn't there. Like someone else was controlling me.

I herd my bus, I grabbed my backpack walking out my room and heading downstairs. I went down the steps, sighing opening my front door fixing my black glasses overlapping my face. from how big they were. I walked the cold outside, oh was this all torture, school was fucking torture. I walked to my bus stepping in siting in a nearby seat by myself. Till i felt someone sit next to me, "Waylen!" a girl called out, she felt we were friends i felt she was annoying. "How was ur weekend?!" she asked smiling at me her brown eyes long brown hair. "it was fine." I said bluntly, "oh! well did you hear?" she asked her hair swaying in the air. "probably not." I said sighing "in geometry we have a new student!" she said smiling. "oh, thats cool." i said looking out at the window.
"do you have insta?" she asked. I didn't wanna give it to her. I didn't want her texting me. "No" I said as she sighed. "oh? i think i already found you!" she said giggling. The fact that i lied not even fazing her. I listened to her speak everything she said going in one ear coming out the other. Hearing her say my name over and over again. 'waylen' oh how i hated my name. I hated me I hated everything about me. I hated my stupid hair the pimples surrounding whats mine. My fat fingers, my smile my eyes. Why couldn't i be good looking like the girl next to me. Or Alexia. I wished i could be like Alexia, i've been her friend since third grade. Since she asked me to play house with her erasers. Since she begged me to get the frog off her on the playground. But she's slowly fading from me she's finding other friends now i just live in her shadow.

The bus stopped at my high-school I sighed getting off the bus as the girl next to me wouldn't shut up. Her voice the way her lips moved the way she pronounced things, getting on my nerves. Every little thing about her was annoying, "don't you have somewhere to be?" i asked looking straight walking into the school. "No?" she said looking at me smiling a hint of confusion. "Like ur friends." i said looking at her, "oh! il be honest with you i don't have any here" she said bubbly i could feel her fake smiling fading, Jesus christ was she fucking annoying. "yeah, i feel you" i said walking the high-school halls hearing the faint conversations, the couples the loud absurd laughing. I looked at her, her tainted smile her big brown eyes, i watched her think people were waving at her, her getting embarrassed. Throwing people smiles, laughing at her own jokes, trying her best to talk to me, and i know she knows i'm not listening. But I'm all she has, i wish i could be nicer to her, but i just get irritated with everything. I saw alexia she walked over to me hugging me, "hi waylen!" she smiled at me. Sometimes i feel like my friends are real but filler of life, but alexia Im me. She's my best friend but il never be hers.

After awhile of walking around with her It was time to go to first period wich for me was geometry. I sat down by myself since thats where my assigned seat was, I sighed looking at the desk then at the teacher as she started talking. She was writing on the board till she was interrupted by a young man. He looked tall, dark brown hair like mine. His was way shorter after all mine was a curly mess, "oh! you must be Landon?" asked the teacher her blonde hair in a bun smiling at the student. "yeah, but call me lake" he said letting out a cough. "right! you sit over there Landon.. I mean lake!, next the boy in stripes." she said smiling holding her pen. He sat next to me grabbing a pencil from his backpack, he starts taking down notes i stare at him from the corner of my eye, he looks back at me as I look away. I sighed blanking out into space not paying attention to the teacher in my own pointless world. Soon class ends as I put away my stuff walking out the classroom till someone taps on my shoulder. "Hey im lake by the way." He says in a soothing tone his voice calming. "Im waylen".